that's all that I have left... ("Walk on By" - Jack Sigler/David Brown)
This is kind of how I feel now, and definitely how I felt on Monday night. On Monday, I auditioned for this winter's pantomime at my drama group. Before I get into the story of what happened, just let me fill you in on a little background. Basically, I've been a member of the group for about a year and a half although for the first few months I could only attend Monday rehearsals as I had another commitment on Friday evenings. As a result I didn't audition for last year's pantomime, as I didn't feel that I would be able to commit fully to a principal role if I was offered one. I ended up as a member of the chorus, but then one night by a twist of fate, I was asked to stand in for a principal who wasn't there. This one night turned into one week, then another, then another... I was recieving compliments from others in the group for my portrayal of the character and I secretly felt that the role was becoming my own. There was even discussion between some people in the group as to whether the part should be offered to me, which I was flattered by, even though deep down I knew it wouldn't have been fair on the other actress. Then...said actress returned. Even though I knew it wasn't my role to lose, I was gutted. I returned to the chorus line, able to recite her every line with her and wishing it was me who was going to get a fancy costume instead of the crappy one I would be wearing!
Anyhow, ever since, whenever the topic of a panto has been brought up, others in the group have said things like "You'd better audition for the next one" or asked if I was going to audition, and responded very positively when I said yes. So by the time this year's panto came around, I was feeling pretty damn confident! And that's when things started to go wrong...
Admittedly, I played a part in my own downfall as I decided to audition for the part of the Prince (yeah, I know I'm a girl, but girls heavily outnumber guys at our group, so they were going for a principal boy kind of thing). The acting bit of my audition went ok (I think...), but then they asked me to sing. I should have expected this, as the Prince normally has at least one solo, but it threw me completely! I couldn't think of what to sing, and when I did, my first couple of lines were completely off. It did improve after that, but it still wasn't perfect by a loooooooong way! I left the audition room, but then was called back up after a couple of minutes where I was handed a script and asked if I could think "evil"...they wanted me to audition for the part of the evil queen. They let me take the script away for a few minutes, and I hastily prepared before I was called up for the third and final time. Now in my head I was fantastic...I strutted and I sneered, my every word dripping with venom and I walked away thinking it was in the bag...no one else who was auditioning could do a better job than me!
Then came the long wait...and despite my earlier confidence, my nerves started jangling in the pit of my stomach. Then 2 people were called in, and came out ecstatic...they'd got the parts of the Prince and the Queen (both the parts I'd auditioned for). I was pleased for them, although slightly disappointed for myself but I consoled myself with the fact that there were still some parts that hadn't been assigned. Then another person who was waiting was called...she came out with a part. Not the one she had auditioned for, but a part nevertheless. Then it was my turn, and when I heard the director say "Oh Julie", I knew it wasn't going to be good news. The rest of the words turned into some kind of blur but I did register that they thought I wasn't suitable for the part and could I be in the chorus. I said yes...still numb inside. I left the room, and walked straight out without even stopping to say bye. Then I got angry and upset, and spent the rest of the evening talking it over with my friend E, who also acts and understood what I was going through!
Now I'm calmer, although still upset. Maybe it's someone teaching me a lesson for being so proud and sure of myself, and if so it's worked! It's shook my confidence, as I think maybe I'm not as good an actress as I thought. I never thought I was Oscar worthy or anything, but I reckoned I was ok. As well as the praise I got last year, I also played the lead role in my college play when I was 17 so I assumed I wasn't completely useless! All of this just goes to show why I couldn't pursue acting as a career...rejection would kill me, as I'd take everything personally!
Anyway, roll on 7 o'clock! It's our first rehearsal, so I'll be plastering on the cheesy smile, cringing at the awful script and being determined to be the best damn chorus member they've EVER had!
(Oh yeah, and What's-in-my-wardrobe Wednesday will return next week! I do have pictures and everything, but thought that I should wait until the right day of the week lol!)