On getting older and not letting life pass you by

Source: imgfave.com via Julie on Pinterest

My absence from the blog world of late hasn't probably been that surprising. I haven't blogged regularly in what seems like forever and my motivation to do so has been seriously lacking. And one of the main reasons for this? The fact that I feel I have nothing to write about, that nothing interesting, exciting or worthwhile ever happens to me. The other day I met up with some old friends who I hadn't seen for well over 2 months and they asked how I was and what was new. "Fine", I replied, "but you know me. Nothing really happens; it's just same old, same old." And the fact was I couldn't honestly think of anything to tell. There wasn't one thing of any importance that I could share. The others talked about home improvements, work, holidays, meeting new people. And then there was me, with my 'same old, same old'. I used to have so many dreams, plans and ambitions when I was younger, and now it's like I've just stopped dead where I am, watching the time and my life racing by, eager for something amazing to happen and stop me in my tracks. But it never does and I remain stuck in this vicious circle. The more I sit and do nothing, the less motivated I am to start doing something and the less motivated I am...well you get the picture!

Source: goodmorningandgoodnight.com via Julie on Pinterest

So I've come to a decision: I need to start living again. I need to shake off my sadness that my life hasn't turned out the way I hoped and make every day count. I need to stop waiting around for something wonderful to happen to me and start making my own happiness. I need to realise that I'm the one chiefly responsible for the way my life turns out and that others can only affect me as much as I let them.

Source: yellowbrickblog.blogspot.com via Julie on Pinterest

And how am I going to start doing this? Well, I'm starting by making the commitment to do more of what I know makes me happy long term. I know that I feel fulfilled when I spend time with the people I love. I know that being creative and expressing myself, be it through acting, singing, writing or baking, is something that I'll probably never tire of. I know that when I make the effort to take care of myself mentally, emotionally and physically, I feel so much better than when I neglect these aspects of my life. I know that I'm happier when my mind is stimulated, no matter whether it's through great conversation, reading a good book,   learning something new or even just watching something that really makes me think. I know that I always feel better when I make the effort to 'do', than when I just sit around all day and I know that procrastinating causes me endless stress and worry.

I'm also not going to shy away from making bigger decisions and living new dreams. I'll look into how I can develop my career and turn a job I don't really enjoy into a valuable learning experience, and a step on the way to my ultimate goal. I've always wanted to travel so will look into doing just that. I may be single and not  be be earning as much as I'd like, but there's still nothing to stop me. I'll start budgeting properly and saving so that one day, maybe sooner rather than later, I'll be able to afford my own place. All of these have so far been pipe dreams, but now's the time to start making them real. I might be scared and it might take me a while to put my plans into action but I need to try. Otherwise, I know I'll just end up looking back, cursing the missed opportunities and wishing, wishing, wishing that I'd done more. And that's something I'm not going to let happen.

And's that where I'm going to leave it for today. At least with my words anyway, because I do want to share this amazing manifesto which says it so much better and more succinctly than I ever could:

Source: sweetonveg.com via Julie on Pinterest

'Til next time....

Catching Up

And so there goes another month, seemingly in the blink of an eye. It's been another month of ups and downs for me; if you'd asked me around 10 days ago, I would have said that there had been more lows than highs, but I'm happy to say that, of late, things seem to have evened out a bit more :-)  How about having a look for yourself, as I present my month in a nutshell :

Highs

• Beautiful babies: On Easter Sunday, my friends L and G became parents for the first time and I was lucky enough to be able to visit them and their darling daughter a couple of weeks ago! Baby W is absolutely adorable and I can't wait for all the fun I'll have sharing in her first years of life :-)
• Being a winner: About 10 days ago, I was feeling really down. The weather was awful, I was off work but had nothing to do and I was feeling really isolated from all my friends. In an effort to pass some time, I decided to catch up on some of my favourite blogs and discovered that I had won a giveaway that the amazing Krysten of Why Girls Are Weird was hosting! I was so pleased that I immediately fired off a very excitable email to her in response and am now eagerly awaiting the arrival of my very own bohemian feather necklace from the very talented (and sweet) Hillery over at Clever Plumage. Look out for a reveal/review in the next couple of weeks! :-)
• Getting good news from work: Any regular readers of my blog might know that I'm not always the biggest fan of my job and that difficult customers and the sometimes monotonous nature of my work can sometimes get me down. However, over the last week or so, my experience has been something rather different. I had a really thought provoking meeting with my manager in which I received a lot of positive feedback, and also discovered that I'd qualified for our performance related bonus in the last quarter. As someone who often feels that I struggle in my current role, this was absolutely massive for me and gave me the confidence that I can achieve highly whilst I'm there. In addition, the meeting has also encouraged me to think about how I can make the most of my current skills and past experiences both in this job, and also when making my next career move. I'm inspired! :-)
• A special Saturday night out: Last Saturday evening I was transported back to late 19th Century Paris as three friends and I watched Phantom of the Opera at the beautiful Palace Theatre in Manchester. I don't know if it was the fabulous seats we had (literally only 4 rows from the stage!), the amazing performances or the incredible set and costume design, but I truly felt like I was sharing in the character's lives and experiences, rather than just watching a show. Definitely a must see!!
• 4 well needed days off: Having worked for the last few Saturdays in a row, I recently enjoyed a very much needed 4 day break. I finished work on Friday 4th and didn't have to be back in until Wednesday 9th! It was heaven, and I loved every second of it, especially catching up with some very dear friends over a DVD and Scene It on Sunday afternoon! :-)
• Easter: Extra time off work, lots of chocolate, an excuse to wear a pretty dress...these were just a few of the things I loved about Easter this year :-)

Lows

• My grandad's health: April as a month was one that was punctuated with hospital visits and worries about my Grandad. Although he's now 92, he has remained very mentally active and although much slower at walking than he used to be, he can generally get around with only a little help. However about 6 weeks ago, he had a series of falls over the space of 2 days and was admitted to hospital. The time he spent there was one of small steps forward and big leaps back. He would start having physio and seem to be making progress, but then it would be weekend or he'd pick up a bug, and by the time the physiotherapists were available again, it'd be back to square one :-(  About 10 days ago, he was finally moved to a local nursing home for some rehabilitation, and whilst he's much happier there (the hospital ward wasn't exactly the most cheery and social of places), he's still a long way from being his old self. Fingers crossed for some progress soon.
• Feeling isolated and lonely: Recently, I've had periods of feeling really lonely and isolated from many of my friends. As we're all getting older, more and more people I know have started to settle down and have children. Even one of my best friends who has been (mainly) single since who knows when is now all loved up with her new boyfriend. And whilst I'm happy for them, I've really begun to realise just how lonely I am. Gone are the impromptu nights out in town (granted they did stop a while back!) or even the girlie DVD nights, and in their place is Saturday night TV with the family and maybe the odd drink. Not that that's bad, it's just different and I'm not one that's great at dealing with change :-(
• More changes at work: As of Monday, I'll be on a new team at work as my current team manager is taking on a new role. Granted the rest of my team are moving with me, but I'll still have to settle into  a different team with colleagues I don't know well and a new manager whose leadership style I'll have to adapt to. Plus for some reason neither me nor my old manager can fathom, my change in teams has also completely screwed up my shift patterns. Since I started my job in September last year, my designated weekend day in work has always been a Saturday. Always. Meaning that if I have events on a Sunday, I've always been able to attend without booking a day's holiday. And I bet you know what's coming...my designated weekend day has somehow switched to Sunday. Which means that as things stand I won't be able to attend my friend's wedding, as it's on a Sunday and there are no holiday hours available. Fingers crossed that things get switched back as I've been promised, otherwise there'll be war!!
• Decidedly un-springlike weather: I seriously don't know what's up with this country. At the end of March the weather was absolutely glorious with clear blue skies and temperatures that rivalled any we'd expect to see in June. Since then, it's been simply shocking. We've had the coldest and wettest April since goodness knows when, and so far May isn't shaping up to be much better. Come back March, we miss you!

So there it is, and I hope you've enjoyed catching up with me as much as I've enjoyed catching up with all my favourite bloggers lately! How have the last few weeks been for you? Let me know, as always I'd love  to hear from you!

'Til next time...

What a week!!

Last Monday night, I sat down to blog. I spent a good hour or two selecting the perfect photos and choosing the words that expressed exactly what I wanted to say. When I thought everything looked perfect, I hit "publish" and then went to check my shiny new post out. And there and then realised that it was an utter disaster. Lines of text were layered on top of each other making my words a garbled mess that was impossible to read and the formatting of many of my pictures was just "off". And try as I might, I couldn't get it to look right. So finally, frustrated beyond belief, I gave up, saved my post as a draft and determined to come back to it the next day. But then life took over...

Last week was long, busy and stressful and definitely one that I was glad to see the back of come Sunday night. That isn't to say there weren't any good times, there always are, but last week was definitely dominated by the negative aspects; the major one being that last Thursday a member of my drama group, who I also considered to be a friend, lost her battle against cancer. This lady was one of the bravest, strongest and most inspiring women I had ever met and whilst we weren't especially close, I still feel her loss. It was an honour to have known her and I feel privileged to have shared a stage with such an amazing lady. I know that every performance of last week's show was for her.

Yes, that's right, we also performed our annual panto last week. With performances on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights and two shows on Saturday, things were certainly busy and made all the more emotional by the events described above. So when our 'director' (I use the term lightly) decided to create a huge fuss over nothing during the interval of the Saturday matinee, which caused people to break down in tears, it was pretty much the final straw. Whilst I don't like to criticise; I have never directed anything myself after all, it seems to me that she isn't really much of a director at all. She ignores half of the work we do at rehearsals, and very rarely has a positive comment to make when she is paying attention. She doesn't take anyone else's ideas onboard when making decisions and uses her position as head of the committee as an excuse to do whatever she likes. Her bossy and highly strung nature have made what is meant to be a fun way of spending your free time a task which needs to be endured. She said she was leaving after the last show, and to be honest, I think we'll all be happier now she isn't directing anything again for a while.

But in the midst of all this sadness, negativity and weariness (I was absolutely wiped out by Sunday), there was some good. We pulled together as a group, supported each other through the hard times, the sadness and confrontations and showed that if we work together, we can make it through. As I've said before, we're more than just people with a common interest, we're friends and it's never been more evident than this past week. And I know that, because of this, our future as a group is bright and we can look ahead with optimism. Bring on the next show!

 I also managed to find some happiness in the little things last week, which always helps, and this is something I'll be talking about in an upcoming post, so what I'd like to find out from you is what are the little things that make you smile? How do you pick yourself up when you're in a bad place? Let me know, as I'd love to hear from you! Also, if I get enough responses, I might share some of them so if you don't want this to happen, just make a note of this in your comment too.

'Til next time...

An end...but also a beginning

Yet another couple of weeks has gone by without me blogging, and again I can't believe how long it's actually been since my last post!! I can attribute my absence to two main factors: one, I've been actually rather busy with work the last couple of weeks (it's been quite a surprise given how late on in the school year it is) and two, I've had all kinds of mixed up thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my head lately, and I've not really known how to put them down on 'paper', especially as my mood has been very changeable of late. But now I've come to a decision, albeit a very vague one, I feel it's time to break my silence.

And so to the title of this post...in many ways, I'm currently facing the end of a chapter in my life story. As I've mentioned, it's very nearly the end of the school year. And as things stand, the end of the school year will also bring my time as a supply teacher to a close. Due to circumstances beyond my control (a ridiculous government ruling), newly qualified teachers i.e. me, can only do short term supply for 16 months before completing their induction period (a year/3 terms where NQTs have to demonstrate they meet certain standards and are supported by a teacher mentor at their school). After your 16 months is up (it starts counting down from the very first day you work on short term supply, and doesn't stop...even if you don't work as a supply teacher after that initial day, your 16 months would be up at the same time as someone who had done supply for the duration!!), that's it! No more short term supply (anything less than a term) until your induction's in the bag!! And this puts me in a really tricky position...basically to give you a potted work history, I qualified in June '07, and started doing short term supply from the September of that year. I covered a maternity leave from May to December of 2008, thereby completing a term of my induction, and have been doing short term supply ever since. I found out about the 16 month ruling in September of last year (it's been around for a while but is very rarely flagged up to anyone; I only found out by complete chance), and was able to secure a 3 term extension taking me up to now. Now where I have been unable to secure a long term/permanent teaching post that would let me finish my induction. Now where my teaching career appears to be at an end, momentarily at least. I know that supply teaching wasn't the job I would have chosen in an ideal world...I've been longing for my own classroom and I know that I've definitely had more bad than good experiences of the supply teaching world, but I'm still angry that my teaching career's being taken out of my hands through no fault of my own and there's nothing that I can do about it!!

But with an end also comes a beginning. This hiatus in my teaching means that I'm free to try new things although, for a while, I was at a loss to exactly what they were. Should I try and get a permanent teaching assistant job as the next best thing to teaching? Find some temping work unrelated to teaching? Embark on an altogether new career path by applying for full time jobs outside the education sector (or at least outside school settings)? Go back to uni and work part time to help support myself in the meantime? I considered all of these and more, and have recently come to a decision. My new beginning is hopefully going to be working as a teaching assistant on a supply basis. This has the advantage of still enabling me to work with children, without having all the responsibilty and stress that comes with being a teacher, and it will hopefully allow me to gain more experience of working in the EYFS with the youngest children in the primary age range (3-5 year olds); this is one area I'm currently lacking in and I'm keen to do something about it! Plus I'll still have the flexibility I've come to really value on supply so if I need a day off or get offered a long term post elsewhere I'll be able to take it wothout feeling I'm letting anyone down. Of course, there will also be disadvantages. Pay won't be as good; I'll probably have to work a full week to earn the same wage I'd get for 2 or 3 days of supply teaching, and there's no guarantee that work will be available all the time. Also I'm preparing myself for some awkward questions: Why am I doing TA work when I'm a qualified teacher? How come I've not been able to finish my induction yet when I've been qualified for 3 years? But these are things I'm just going to have to live with. I'm still planning to carry on applying for teaching jobs as I have been doing over the past 18 months so nothing's really changed in that respect, I'll just be filling out slightly different details in the "current employment" box on my applications!! At the moment, I've got a vague idea of giving things another year, but I suppose I'll just wait and see what happens between now and then.

But maybe thinking about September before the school year's even out might be a little premature. After all, there's the summer to think of first. A summer that I plan to spend sleeping in, reading, seeing friends and spending alone time, soaking up the sun (hopefully!), getting out and about but also having some time at home. Time that I'll dedicate to me. Not in a selfish way, but in a useful way. Time that I'll use to plan for the future, time where I can hopefully begin to discover what really makes me tick. At the minute, new ideas are popping up on a regular basis! I'm considering becoming an Avon representative, and am also interested in finding other ways of earning some extra money. Who knows, I might even find something I love so much, I'll know exactly where my future lies! But whether I do or not, I know that I'll have a good summer nonetheless. So here's to a well deserved break (if I do say so myself!!) To happy(ish) endings and new beginnings...I'm going to do my best to make the most of each and every one of them!!

Thankful

Now this week hasn't exactly been my average one. Despite the fact I'm still technically off work for the spring holidays, being without work, and therefore pay, for the last couple of weeks has taken its toll, so I volunteered to spend some time this week doing some exam invigilation at a local(ish) high school, where I ended up acting as a reader for a pupil with additional needs. Now being a reader is just that...you can read the questions on an exam paper, or any additional material that the student will need to refer to when answering the questions (unless the exam is specifically testing reading skill, then it's a different story), but that's as far as my role went...I couldn't paraphrase the questions or explain their meaning in any way, and although I was supporting my student by reading when she needed me to, for the rest of the time she was on her own. And it was so hard to sit back. So hard to sit and watch her struggle; to see her thinking for a good 5 minutes about what to write, write a little bit, then cross it out in sheer frustration, so hard to keep quiet when I was dying to define a vital word to her; a word that was so crucial to her understanding of an essay question that I felt like screaming its meaning at the top of my lungs, so hard for me as I felt so useless; but I know that however hard it was for me, she was finding it equally so. And I don't ever remember feeling like that about an exam before...maybe odd questions here and there, but never for a whole paper.

And that's why I'm feeling thankful. Because I've been lucky enough to be blessed with more than enough intelligence for my needs...I find it easy to pick most things up and have a good memory which has proved invaluable to me in exam situations. I've never really struggled academically...if you asked me, I'd say I found maths tough at high school, but I still got an A in my GCSEs. And yes I worked damn hard for that A, probably harder than I'd ever worked before or since, but it was still an A... a grade that lots of my friends could never even have dreamed of. And because I've never struggled with school work, I've sometimes found it hard to comprehend that others can, and even found myself getting impatient when people are failing to grasp things that, to me, seem simple. But as of this week, I'd like to think that that's changed. That I'm hopefully changed. Because I've taken things for granted that I really shouldn't, and looking at things from the other side of the coin has really helped to bring that home to me. I'll be thankful for my intelligence every day from now on, because my life, and world, would be totally different without it.