Catching Up

And so there goes another month, seemingly in the blink of an eye. It's been another month of ups and downs for me; if you'd asked me around 10 days ago, I would have said that there had been more lows than highs, but I'm happy to say that, of late, things seem to have evened out a bit more :-)  How about having a look for yourself, as I present my month in a nutshell :

Highs

• Beautiful babies: On Easter Sunday, my friends L and G became parents for the first time and I was lucky enough to be able to visit them and their darling daughter a couple of weeks ago! Baby W is absolutely adorable and I can't wait for all the fun I'll have sharing in her first years of life :-)
• Being a winner: About 10 days ago, I was feeling really down. The weather was awful, I was off work but had nothing to do and I was feeling really isolated from all my friends. In an effort to pass some time, I decided to catch up on some of my favourite blogs and discovered that I had won a giveaway that the amazing Krysten of Why Girls Are Weird was hosting! I was so pleased that I immediately fired off a very excitable email to her in response and am now eagerly awaiting the arrival of my very own bohemian feather necklace from the very talented (and sweet) Hillery over at Clever Plumage. Look out for a reveal/review in the next couple of weeks! :-)
• Getting good news from work: Any regular readers of my blog might know that I'm not always the biggest fan of my job and that difficult customers and the sometimes monotonous nature of my work can sometimes get me down. However, over the last week or so, my experience has been something rather different. I had a really thought provoking meeting with my manager in which I received a lot of positive feedback, and also discovered that I'd qualified for our performance related bonus in the last quarter. As someone who often feels that I struggle in my current role, this was absolutely massive for me and gave me the confidence that I can achieve highly whilst I'm there. In addition, the meeting has also encouraged me to think about how I can make the most of my current skills and past experiences both in this job, and also when making my next career move. I'm inspired! :-)
• A special Saturday night out: Last Saturday evening I was transported back to late 19th Century Paris as three friends and I watched Phantom of the Opera at the beautiful Palace Theatre in Manchester. I don't know if it was the fabulous seats we had (literally only 4 rows from the stage!), the amazing performances or the incredible set and costume design, but I truly felt like I was sharing in the character's lives and experiences, rather than just watching a show. Definitely a must see!!
• 4 well needed days off: Having worked for the last few Saturdays in a row, I recently enjoyed a very much needed 4 day break. I finished work on Friday 4th and didn't have to be back in until Wednesday 9th! It was heaven, and I loved every second of it, especially catching up with some very dear friends over a DVD and Scene It on Sunday afternoon! :-)
• Easter: Extra time off work, lots of chocolate, an excuse to wear a pretty dress...these were just a few of the things I loved about Easter this year :-)

Lows

• My grandad's health: April as a month was one that was punctuated with hospital visits and worries about my Grandad. Although he's now 92, he has remained very mentally active and although much slower at walking than he used to be, he can generally get around with only a little help. However about 6 weeks ago, he had a series of falls over the space of 2 days and was admitted to hospital. The time he spent there was one of small steps forward and big leaps back. He would start having physio and seem to be making progress, but then it would be weekend or he'd pick up a bug, and by the time the physiotherapists were available again, it'd be back to square one :-(  About 10 days ago, he was finally moved to a local nursing home for some rehabilitation, and whilst he's much happier there (the hospital ward wasn't exactly the most cheery and social of places), he's still a long way from being his old self. Fingers crossed for some progress soon.
• Feeling isolated and lonely: Recently, I've had periods of feeling really lonely and isolated from many of my friends. As we're all getting older, more and more people I know have started to settle down and have children. Even one of my best friends who has been (mainly) single since who knows when is now all loved up with her new boyfriend. And whilst I'm happy for them, I've really begun to realise just how lonely I am. Gone are the impromptu nights out in town (granted they did stop a while back!) or even the girlie DVD nights, and in their place is Saturday night TV with the family and maybe the odd drink. Not that that's bad, it's just different and I'm not one that's great at dealing with change :-(
• More changes at work: As of Monday, I'll be on a new team at work as my current team manager is taking on a new role. Granted the rest of my team are moving with me, but I'll still have to settle into  a different team with colleagues I don't know well and a new manager whose leadership style I'll have to adapt to. Plus for some reason neither me nor my old manager can fathom, my change in teams has also completely screwed up my shift patterns. Since I started my job in September last year, my designated weekend day in work has always been a Saturday. Always. Meaning that if I have events on a Sunday, I've always been able to attend without booking a day's holiday. And I bet you know what's coming...my designated weekend day has somehow switched to Sunday. Which means that as things stand I won't be able to attend my friend's wedding, as it's on a Sunday and there are no holiday hours available. Fingers crossed that things get switched back as I've been promised, otherwise there'll be war!!
• Decidedly un-springlike weather: I seriously don't know what's up with this country. At the end of March the weather was absolutely glorious with clear blue skies and temperatures that rivalled any we'd expect to see in June. Since then, it's been simply shocking. We've had the coldest and wettest April since goodness knows when, and so far May isn't shaping up to be much better. Come back March, we miss you!

So there it is, and I hope you've enjoyed catching up with me as much as I've enjoyed catching up with all my favourite bloggers lately! How have the last few weeks been for you? Let me know, as always I'd love  to hear from you!

'Til next time...

My September Issue...

Well, here I am with my first post of the new month and I can't honestly believe that we're in September already. I know I'm probably guilty of saying the same thing every year but this one is absolutely flying by; why, it only seems like last week that I was on my way home from my New Year's getaway! However,I'm not altogether sad that August is over,simply because I'm really looking forward to September. As a child and young adult, the month was one for making fresh starts. One of excitement for seeing friends and learning new things and anticipation of what the year ahead would bring. It was a time that I looked forward to and (generally) welcomed with open arms. But sometime over the last few years, my perception shifted. Whilst working as a supply teacher, September brought with it a fear of the unknown as I faced the reality that I could be pitched into an unfamiliar environment with a potentially challenging class, at very short notice. The month made me feel edgy, yet ultimately frustrated as I spent morning after morning working myself into a state of anxiety and tension, only to find that I had been worrying for no need as the call from my agency simply didn't come. Even when working as a full time teacher, I didn't have an easy time of it over those first few weeks. I was stressed, tired and doubted my ability to be good at my job. From being a time I welcomed, September became a month I largely endured and even my attempts to be motivated, upbeat and in control generally failed. To be frank, I longed for September to come and go and October to arrive, bringing with it the promise of more supply work and also the promise of a welcome week away from the stresses of my situation, in the form of the autumn half term.

This year, however, things were different and I was once again filled with a sense of delicious anticipation at September's arrival. Whilst for the most part this was due to my new job, which I start in a few days, there are also several other reasons why I'm savouring the thought of September. And here they are:

• Putting on a show with my drama group: After a few months of rehearsals, my drama group's new show "Movie and Musical Magic" will take place later on this month. It's been a somewhat bumpy road to get to this point, with directorial tensions, choreography disasters and some lyrics learning issues, but we've come through them stronger as a group and I can't wait to get on stage and perform!

• Murder and Mystery: It's my friend "The Actor's"annual murder mystery night in just over a week and I'm really looking forward to it. Not only do we all get a chance to adopt a different persona and engage in some acting, which I obviously love, but there's also mystery and secrets galore, and as a real fan of detective fiction and crime dramas on TV, the atmosphere at this type of event is right up my street. And then of course there's the fact that I get to socialise with my friends...well, what more can I say?! I'm in love! <3 

• Cake, Candles and Celebration: With an extended group of friends, it's no surprise that we seem to be celebrating birthdays almost every month and September is no exception. A quick flick through my mental calendar tells me that this month I've been invited to the 70th birthday party of a friend from my drama group and that it's also my uncle's birthday, which we'll probably celebrate with a special family lunch. Added to that there's my friend The Enigma's 30th, another friend's 20th and the birthday of one the sweetest friends I've ever known fast approaching, so I think it's a fair bet to say there'll be some celebrating going on!

• Money, Money, Money: With a new job obviously comes some new income and as someone who's been either off work or working part time for the majority of the year, I'm majorly excited to be earning  a "proper" wage once again. And as my start date at work has been moved forward from 19th September to 5th (it's Monday people!!), it means that I'll get paid much sooner than I was anticipating. What can I say other than I'm drafting my wishlist already! :-)

And just before I sign off, I thought I'd share this lovely from Pinterest which just about sums up the meaning of September to me:

Source: zazzle.com via Julie on Pinterest

Till next time...

Last week's Highs and Lows

Yes, I know it's Wednesday and we're nearly half way through this week already, but I'm really aiming to make my "Highs and Lows" posts a regular series again, so I'm starting as I mean to go on! Better late than never, that's my motto!

And so on to last week...there were a few seemingly small, yet meaningful highs mixed with a couple of definite lows but, most importantly, it was a positive one overall and I ended it looking forward to the week ahead :-) . So without further ado, here's what had me beaming from ear to ear or down in the dumps last week:

Highs

• Finding £60 I'd forgotten I had: I was looking for something,opened one of drawers and bam...there it was! A quick check with my mum later, and I established that it was definitely mine to keep spend. :-) Exactly what I needed in these tight financial times!

• A couple of shorter (and quieter) afternoons at work: Last week, the 5 year old boy I act as support worker for had a couple of taster sessions at the school he'll be starting in September. And as his support worker, I accompanied him. The upshot of this was a happy little boy...he loved joining in with all the activities the school had to offer and was really keen to get on well with both his new classmates and the staff working there, as well as a very happy Julie! My afternoons were pretty much stress free due to his excellent behaviour (a radical departure from some days at the nursery) and the fact that I only worked half my usual hours for the two days, but was still paid for the full afternoon each time, made them even sweeter. A definite high in my book.

• Midweek curry night and making winter plans with friends: Last Wednesday night, a few friends and I headed to our local pub for their curry night...curry with all the sides plus a free drink for a bargain price and I'm definitely in! We ate, we drank and also made tentative plans for the winter weekend away I discussed in this post. All in all, it was a lovely relaxing night, perfect for recharging our batteries midweek, and something that I hope we'll repeat sooner rather than later.

• Baking for the first time in AGES: Over the last couple of months, my weekends have been so filled with job applications and other things to get done that any plans to bake have fallen right by the wayside. But last Saturday, with no job applications imminent, I decided to get my baking head on and made 2 batches of flapjacks; one with sultanas and cherries and the other with chocolate chips. Both were delicious (if I do say so myself!) although I don't think I added quite enough liquid to the choc chip batch as they ended up harder and more crunchy than the fruit ones; they kind of reminded of Nature Valley bars. Very tasty, but not so good for your teeth!

• Spending time with the cutest class ever: Last Friday, I had a job interview and whilst I was at the school I had the opportunity to meet one of the classes. And oh my gosh, they were amongst the sweetest children I had ever met. Bright, friendly and full of fun, they had a knack of making me feel instantly at ease and I absolutely adored the time I spent with them. Plus I walked away with a number of pictures they'd made for me, which is always a reliable measure of a good day at school in my book!

• A couple of long lie ins: Whilst I don't have to get up too early for work in the week, I do have to set my alarm so I really appreciated just being able to sleep until the time nature intended last weekend. After 9:30? Don't mind if I do!

Lows

• Not getting the job: Before last Friday, I'd had 2 other job interviews this year. I was unsuccessful on both occasions, and whilst the rejection stung, I wasn't overly upset, probably because I wasn't 100% sure that the jobs or schools were right for me. Friday was different. I really wanted the job. Then I went to the school, met the children and wanted it even more. Everything just seemed to fit: the role I'd be taking on, the ethos of the school, the welcoming attitudes of everyone I met plus the fact that I thought my interview had gone reasonably well. And then I got the call (well, actually the answerphone message as I was working at the time the headteacher rang): I hadn't got it. And let me tell you, it hurt. It hurt like hell. I'd wanted it so badly and there was nothing I could do. Except cry and feel like a massive failure (which I did). And then I dusted myself down and waited for feedback (I'm still waiting now). And so the job hunting starts again...

• My grandad going into hospital: My grandad has been in and out of the hospital over the past week and a half or so. Nothing major but after 3 hospital trips in 4 days, mainly due to minor falls, they decided to keep in him for a few days whilst they worked on his mobility. He finally came out of hospital today, and fingers crossed that, with his new mobility aids and a few adjustments that have been made at his home, he won't be making a return journey any time soon :-)

And that's pretty much it! Hope you're having a good week so far...I'm already thinking of things that can go on my next highs and lows list!!

'Til next time...

An end...but also a beginning

Yet another couple of weeks has gone by without me blogging, and again I can't believe how long it's actually been since my last post!! I can attribute my absence to two main factors: one, I've been actually rather busy with work the last couple of weeks (it's been quite a surprise given how late on in the school year it is) and two, I've had all kinds of mixed up thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my head lately, and I've not really known how to put them down on 'paper', especially as my mood has been very changeable of late. But now I've come to a decision, albeit a very vague one, I feel it's time to break my silence.

And so to the title of this post...in many ways, I'm currently facing the end of a chapter in my life story. As I've mentioned, it's very nearly the end of the school year. And as things stand, the end of the school year will also bring my time as a supply teacher to a close. Due to circumstances beyond my control (a ridiculous government ruling), newly qualified teachers i.e. me, can only do short term supply for 16 months before completing their induction period (a year/3 terms where NQTs have to demonstrate they meet certain standards and are supported by a teacher mentor at their school). After your 16 months is up (it starts counting down from the very first day you work on short term supply, and doesn't stop...even if you don't work as a supply teacher after that initial day, your 16 months would be up at the same time as someone who had done supply for the duration!!), that's it! No more short term supply (anything less than a term) until your induction's in the bag!! And this puts me in a really tricky position...basically to give you a potted work history, I qualified in June '07, and started doing short term supply from the September of that year. I covered a maternity leave from May to December of 2008, thereby completing a term of my induction, and have been doing short term supply ever since. I found out about the 16 month ruling in September of last year (it's been around for a while but is very rarely flagged up to anyone; I only found out by complete chance), and was able to secure a 3 term extension taking me up to now. Now where I have been unable to secure a long term/permanent teaching post that would let me finish my induction. Now where my teaching career appears to be at an end, momentarily at least. I know that supply teaching wasn't the job I would have chosen in an ideal world...I've been longing for my own classroom and I know that I've definitely had more bad than good experiences of the supply teaching world, but I'm still angry that my teaching career's being taken out of my hands through no fault of my own and there's nothing that I can do about it!!

But with an end also comes a beginning. This hiatus in my teaching means that I'm free to try new things although, for a while, I was at a loss to exactly what they were. Should I try and get a permanent teaching assistant job as the next best thing to teaching? Find some temping work unrelated to teaching? Embark on an altogether new career path by applying for full time jobs outside the education sector (or at least outside school settings)? Go back to uni and work part time to help support myself in the meantime? I considered all of these and more, and have recently come to a decision. My new beginning is hopefully going to be working as a teaching assistant on a supply basis. This has the advantage of still enabling me to work with children, without having all the responsibilty and stress that comes with being a teacher, and it will hopefully allow me to gain more experience of working in the EYFS with the youngest children in the primary age range (3-5 year olds); this is one area I'm currently lacking in and I'm keen to do something about it! Plus I'll still have the flexibility I've come to really value on supply so if I need a day off or get offered a long term post elsewhere I'll be able to take it wothout feeling I'm letting anyone down. Of course, there will also be disadvantages. Pay won't be as good; I'll probably have to work a full week to earn the same wage I'd get for 2 or 3 days of supply teaching, and there's no guarantee that work will be available all the time. Also I'm preparing myself for some awkward questions: Why am I doing TA work when I'm a qualified teacher? How come I've not been able to finish my induction yet when I've been qualified for 3 years? But these are things I'm just going to have to live with. I'm still planning to carry on applying for teaching jobs as I have been doing over the past 18 months so nothing's really changed in that respect, I'll just be filling out slightly different details in the "current employment" box on my applications!! At the moment, I've got a vague idea of giving things another year, but I suppose I'll just wait and see what happens between now and then.

But maybe thinking about September before the school year's even out might be a little premature. After all, there's the summer to think of first. A summer that I plan to spend sleeping in, reading, seeing friends and spending alone time, soaking up the sun (hopefully!), getting out and about but also having some time at home. Time that I'll dedicate to me. Not in a selfish way, but in a useful way. Time that I'll use to plan for the future, time where I can hopefully begin to discover what really makes me tick. At the minute, new ideas are popping up on a regular basis! I'm considering becoming an Avon representative, and am also interested in finding other ways of earning some extra money. Who knows, I might even find something I love so much, I'll know exactly where my future lies! But whether I do or not, I know that I'll have a good summer nonetheless. So here's to a well deserved break (if I do say so myself!!) To happy(ish) endings and new beginnings...I'm going to do my best to make the most of each and every one of them!!

Thankful

Now this week hasn't exactly been my average one. Despite the fact I'm still technically off work for the spring holidays, being without work, and therefore pay, for the last couple of weeks has taken its toll, so I volunteered to spend some time this week doing some exam invigilation at a local(ish) high school, where I ended up acting as a reader for a pupil with additional needs. Now being a reader is just that...you can read the questions on an exam paper, or any additional material that the student will need to refer to when answering the questions (unless the exam is specifically testing reading skill, then it's a different story), but that's as far as my role went...I couldn't paraphrase the questions or explain their meaning in any way, and although I was supporting my student by reading when she needed me to, for the rest of the time she was on her own. And it was so hard to sit back. So hard to sit and watch her struggle; to see her thinking for a good 5 minutes about what to write, write a little bit, then cross it out in sheer frustration, so hard to keep quiet when I was dying to define a vital word to her; a word that was so crucial to her understanding of an essay question that I felt like screaming its meaning at the top of my lungs, so hard for me as I felt so useless; but I know that however hard it was for me, she was finding it equally so. And I don't ever remember feeling like that about an exam before...maybe odd questions here and there, but never for a whole paper.

And that's why I'm feeling thankful. Because I've been lucky enough to be blessed with more than enough intelligence for my needs...I find it easy to pick most things up and have a good memory which has proved invaluable to me in exam situations. I've never really struggled academically...if you asked me, I'd say I found maths tough at high school, but I still got an A in my GCSEs. And yes I worked damn hard for that A, probably harder than I'd ever worked before or since, but it was still an A... a grade that lots of my friends could never even have dreamed of. And because I've never struggled with school work, I've sometimes found it hard to comprehend that others can, and even found myself getting impatient when people are failing to grasp things that, to me, seem simple. But as of this week, I'd like to think that that's changed. That I'm hopefully changed. Because I've taken things for granted that I really shouldn't, and looking at things from the other side of the coin has really helped to bring that home to me. I'll be thankful for my intelligence every day from now on, because my life, and world, would be totally different without it.

Musings from my dark side

Despite the fact that I sometimes wish that my blog had more readers, it's times like today when I'm glad that my friends don't read my blog or, in most cases, aren't even aware of its existence. Why? Because I'm about to make a confession that may hurt, upset, anger or disappoint them if I knew the truth. And the truth is this: I'm jealous. Not of all my friends or in every aspect of life; my own particular green eyed monster is a sneaky creature and is very picky about the times it chooses to emerge. So let me illustrate with an example...

The time: Saturday night. The place: A bustling bar in the centre of town. The players: 5 twentysomethings; 2 of whom are a couple and 3 who are single (including me and my friend E). Everything is going swimmingly. Drinks and conversation are flowing, the music is great and the atmosphere's just right until...a guy spots E and makes it quite clear he's interested. So everyone else starts laying the groundwork; people strategically swap places so that the two couldn't help but "accidentally" bump into each other, one of us goes over to the guy to tell him E's name and even I try to convince E to go over and talk to him (she doesn't believe in making the first move!) Then after 45 minutes of trying, just as the likelihood of the plans coming to fruition is looking increasingly remote, BAM...conversation ensues and kisses and mobile numbers are exchanged. Mission accomplished! So tell me this...why did I not feel happy for her? Why did I wish it hadn't happened? Why was I feeling increasingly down?

Now, I meant what I said to her...I genuinely wanted her to start talking to him. They were obviously interested in each other and it would have been a shame if the opportunity had been missed. And I see my friends in relationships, and other than the odd wistful "I wish I had my someone special", they don't have a negative effect. I watched my best friend J get married and it was one of the happiest occasions in my life, and I feel the same happiness whenever I see her and her husband together, as they're such a good match. So again I ask: why did this hurt me so?

I do have some theories, some which I feel are more relevant than others, but all containing at least a grain of truth.

• Was I annoyed that my friends weren't putting in a similar effort to set me up with someone? This is probably the weakest of my theories. Yes, I do get my paranoid moments where I think that my friends don't really like me that much, but to be fair, I hadn't seen anyone who I was interested in, and even if they had tried to set me up with someone, I probably wouldn't have been interested anyway as I'm notoriously picky!
• Was my lack of self esteem the cause of my jealousy? I think this definitely played a part. I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive, and so I think I may well have seen the fact that someone was interested in E as a reflection on my attractiveness. Men are often interested in her when we're on a night out, therefore she must be better looking than I am (at least in my head, if not in real life.)
• Am I scared of being alone? In a word, yes! E and I have both been single for a while, so I suppose I might be scared of being on my own if she started a relationship with someone new. She might not be my best friend, but we are very close and she's the friend I see most of, as J lives a couple of hours away. Now, I know full well she's not the type of person who'd drop her friends if a guy came along, but it didn't make any difference to my thoughts on Saturday night! I hate the thought of being the only single girl in my circle of friends. I suppose with this one I'm feeling a bit like House in S4, where he's coming to terms with Wilson having a new girlfriend, or even like Holmes in the new Sherlock Holmes film, when he seems to be less than happy at the thought of Watson getting married. But this is where the similarities end...unlike those two characters, I wouldn't stoop to sabotage to try and ensure that she remains single! I always give her honest advice and I want her to be happy...that's why I encouraged her to go and talk to the guy at the bar and also why we spent hours together beforehand picking out an outfit that she felt happy in, as she was having a fat day and feeling pretty down in the dumps. And I know she'd do the same for me. Which is why I'd be horrified if she knew I felt this way.

So, there we are. I appreciate that I may raise some strong opinions with this post...I fully expect to. If you think that I'm horrible then, as much as it would hurt me to hear, then so be it...I don't exactly like this side of me either but it's something that I've got to deal with somehow. And I thought that maybe writing it down might be the best place to start...