What a week!!

Last Monday night, I sat down to blog. I spent a good hour or two selecting the perfect photos and choosing the words that expressed exactly what I wanted to say. When I thought everything looked perfect, I hit "publish" and then went to check my shiny new post out. And there and then realised that it was an utter disaster. Lines of text were layered on top of each other making my words a garbled mess that was impossible to read and the formatting of many of my pictures was just "off". And try as I might, I couldn't get it to look right. So finally, frustrated beyond belief, I gave up, saved my post as a draft and determined to come back to it the next day. But then life took over...

Last week was long, busy and stressful and definitely one that I was glad to see the back of come Sunday night. That isn't to say there weren't any good times, there always are, but last week was definitely dominated by the negative aspects; the major one being that last Thursday a member of my drama group, who I also considered to be a friend, lost her battle against cancer. This lady was one of the bravest, strongest and most inspiring women I had ever met and whilst we weren't especially close, I still feel her loss. It was an honour to have known her and I feel privileged to have shared a stage with such an amazing lady. I know that every performance of last week's show was for her.

Yes, that's right, we also performed our annual panto last week. With performances on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights and two shows on Saturday, things were certainly busy and made all the more emotional by the events described above. So when our 'director' (I use the term lightly) decided to create a huge fuss over nothing during the interval of the Saturday matinee, which caused people to break down in tears, it was pretty much the final straw. Whilst I don't like to criticise; I have never directed anything myself after all, it seems to me that she isn't really much of a director at all. She ignores half of the work we do at rehearsals, and very rarely has a positive comment to make when she is paying attention. She doesn't take anyone else's ideas onboard when making decisions and uses her position as head of the committee as an excuse to do whatever she likes. Her bossy and highly strung nature have made what is meant to be a fun way of spending your free time a task which needs to be endured. She said she was leaving after the last show, and to be honest, I think we'll all be happier now she isn't directing anything again for a while.

But in the midst of all this sadness, negativity and weariness (I was absolutely wiped out by Sunday), there was some good. We pulled together as a group, supported each other through the hard times, the sadness and confrontations and showed that if we work together, we can make it through. As I've said before, we're more than just people with a common interest, we're friends and it's never been more evident than this past week. And I know that, because of this, our future as a group is bright and we can look ahead with optimism. Bring on the next show!

 I also managed to find some happiness in the little things last week, which always helps, and this is something I'll be talking about in an upcoming post, so what I'd like to find out from you is what are the little things that make you smile? How do you pick yourself up when you're in a bad place? Let me know, as I'd love to hear from you! Also, if I get enough responses, I might share some of them so if you don't want this to happen, just make a note of this in your comment too.

'Til next time...

To teach or not to teach...

that is the question! And one that I don't really have the answer to at the minute. All the way through college and university, teaching was the only career I ever had in mind. I did work experience in schools and loved it and I couldn't wait to be qualified and have a class of my own. Although I had some tough days once I started my postgrad course, I was still committed to a career in teaching and couldn't wait to make my dreams a reality once I graduated. And then things started to change...

I couldn't find a job. So I started supply work...there were some good days, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be doing and I was over the moon when I got a long term job after doing supply for nearly a year! Surely this was my moment, I'd have a class of my own and experience all that I'd gone into teaching for. But sadly, it didn't happen quite like that. I'm not sure why...I know that I struggled with behaviour management, I often found it hard to be positive and there were times when I felt that this was SO not for me. But on good days, it was the best job in the world...I came away feeling positive, uplifted and overawed by the children. Although it has to be said that those days weren't the most common occurrence! Then my contract ended and it was back on supply.

At first I didn't mind, I was grateful for the early finishes, the prospect of random days off and the fact that I could walk away from a horrendous class knowing that I'd never have to go back there again. But now, 4 terms down the line, I'm tired. Tired of doing supply knowing that the majority of classes will try it on to some extent. Tired of making the same mistakes over and over again...I actually feel that I'm becoming deskilled and that I'm less capable now than I was when I graduated nearly 3 years ago. Tired of getting up to wait for a morning call that might not come (and that I don't really want!). Tired of not enjoying my job most of the time. Tired of not getting that elusive long term teaching post, even if I'm not entirely sure that's what I want!

So now I've reached crisis point. Due to the stupid law in the UK, which I blogged about back in September last year, I have until the start of the new school year to get a job where I can finish my NQT induction; for me that will be a job that lasts for at least 2 terms. If I can't get that job by September, I can't do any more supply teaching. And I have absolutely no idea what I'd do then. Get a permanent teaching assistant's post? Do supply TA work? Get a job in a completely different sector? I haven't got a clue! Because despite all my indecision about teaching at the minute, it's the only thing I ever wanted to do. If I didn't teach, I don't know what I'd do. And if I get one of the long term posts I'm applying for? Well, the indecision would still be there. My dream scenario would be that I'd love my job and I'd be filled with renewed enthusiasm for teaching, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. I can't decide if I dislike my job because I feel terrible at it at the moment or because it's just not for me. If it's the former, then hopefully I'd develop my skills whilst working, and so feel better about both my ability to teach and the job itself. If it's the latter, then to put it bluntly, I'm screwed! But at least then I'd know, I suppose, and I'd be able to get a new job/retrain whilst I was still relatively young.

I just need a sign from somewhere! I was looking at my postgrad observation reports last night and they were good...they must prove I can teach, mustn't they? So why do I feel so useless now? Surely nearly 3 years experience should make me a better teacher! But anyway... I'm going to stop typing now before I feel any worse. Tomorrow's a new day (and I'm teaching) so I suppose now's the time to breathe, regroup and get into an upbeat frame of mind for a busy day in the classroom! Positive and in-control vibes (as I'm aiming to be firmer than firm from now on!) would be most appreciated!!

Musings from my dark side

Despite the fact that I sometimes wish that my blog had more readers, it's times like today when I'm glad that my friends don't read my blog or, in most cases, aren't even aware of its existence. Why? Because I'm about to make a confession that may hurt, upset, anger or disappoint them if I knew the truth. And the truth is this: I'm jealous. Not of all my friends or in every aspect of life; my own particular green eyed monster is a sneaky creature and is very picky about the times it chooses to emerge. So let me illustrate with an example...

The time: Saturday night. The place: A bustling bar in the centre of town. The players: 5 twentysomethings; 2 of whom are a couple and 3 who are single (including me and my friend E). Everything is going swimmingly. Drinks and conversation are flowing, the music is great and the atmosphere's just right until...a guy spots E and makes it quite clear he's interested. So everyone else starts laying the groundwork; people strategically swap places so that the two couldn't help but "accidentally" bump into each other, one of us goes over to the guy to tell him E's name and even I try to convince E to go over and talk to him (she doesn't believe in making the first move!) Then after 45 minutes of trying, just as the likelihood of the plans coming to fruition is looking increasingly remote, BAM...conversation ensues and kisses and mobile numbers are exchanged. Mission accomplished! So tell me this...why did I not feel happy for her? Why did I wish it hadn't happened? Why was I feeling increasingly down?

Now, I meant what I said to her...I genuinely wanted her to start talking to him. They were obviously interested in each other and it would have been a shame if the opportunity had been missed. And I see my friends in relationships, and other than the odd wistful "I wish I had my someone special", they don't have a negative effect. I watched my best friend J get married and it was one of the happiest occasions in my life, and I feel the same happiness whenever I see her and her husband together, as they're such a good match. So again I ask: why did this hurt me so?

I do have some theories, some which I feel are more relevant than others, but all containing at least a grain of truth.

• Was I annoyed that my friends weren't putting in a similar effort to set me up with someone? This is probably the weakest of my theories. Yes, I do get my paranoid moments where I think that my friends don't really like me that much, but to be fair, I hadn't seen anyone who I was interested in, and even if they had tried to set me up with someone, I probably wouldn't have been interested anyway as I'm notoriously picky!
• Was my lack of self esteem the cause of my jealousy? I think this definitely played a part. I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive, and so I think I may well have seen the fact that someone was interested in E as a reflection on my attractiveness. Men are often interested in her when we're on a night out, therefore she must be better looking than I am (at least in my head, if not in real life.)
• Am I scared of being alone? In a word, yes! E and I have both been single for a while, so I suppose I might be scared of being on my own if she started a relationship with someone new. She might not be my best friend, but we are very close and she's the friend I see most of, as J lives a couple of hours away. Now, I know full well she's not the type of person who'd drop her friends if a guy came along, but it didn't make any difference to my thoughts on Saturday night! I hate the thought of being the only single girl in my circle of friends. I suppose with this one I'm feeling a bit like House in S4, where he's coming to terms with Wilson having a new girlfriend, or even like Holmes in the new Sherlock Holmes film, when he seems to be less than happy at the thought of Watson getting married. But this is where the similarities end...unlike those two characters, I wouldn't stoop to sabotage to try and ensure that she remains single! I always give her honest advice and I want her to be happy...that's why I encouraged her to go and talk to the guy at the bar and also why we spent hours together beforehand picking out an outfit that she felt happy in, as she was having a fat day and feeling pretty down in the dumps. And I know she'd do the same for me. Which is why I'd be horrified if she knew I felt this way.

So, there we are. I appreciate that I may raise some strong opinions with this post...I fully expect to. If you think that I'm horrible then, as much as it would hurt me to hear, then so be it...I don't exactly like this side of me either but it's something that I've got to deal with somehow. And I thought that maybe writing it down might be the best place to start...

Circles

Apologies in advance...this isn't going to be the cheeriest post, my positivity seems to have deserted me at the moment :-(

Anyway, yesterday I went for an interview. Unlike my previous interview that I posted about a couple of weeks ago, not many people knew about this one. Partly because I didn't want to get my expectations up, and also partly because the time scale was so short...I received an answerphone message and email on Monday afternoon, inviting me for interview and to teach a 30 minute lesson on Wednesday morning! So yesterday, I got suited and booted and went along to the school. I taught my lesson which I felt went ok, but not brilliantly and then had my interview, which included a couple of tricky questions, but nothing which left me completely lost! With the interview over, the head, and assistant head thanked me for coming and told me I'd find out their decision later that day.

And about four hours later the phone rang. I'd not been waiting by it all day (I'd done some Christmas shopping to kill time and had only recently returned home) but I was still eager to take the call. It was the headteacher, and she informed me that I...hadn't got the job. She offered feedback; said my lesson was good and gave me pointers on a couple of areas for improvement (things that I normally actually do when I teach, but seemed to have got lost in my nerves) and asked if they could keep my details on file. So far, so positive. But the thing that really got to me was the reason I didn't get the job...they went for a "more experienced" candidate. Now, I know I was trying to be positive about this situation a couple of weeks ago, so if you want to call me a hypocrite for moaning about it now, I won't mind...you'd be well within your rights to do so. But anyway, getting back on track, the reason I'm so annoyed is because there's nothing I can do about my lack of experience unless someone gives me a job! It's turning into a vicious circle: I don't have enough experience so I miss out on jobs, but because I can't get a job I can't get the experience I so desperately need! As strange as it sounds, I'd much rather someone tell me I wasn't a good enough candidate to get the job. There's 1001 ways I can become a better teacher: attending courses, reading books and official publications and applying their insights to my work, trying new things when I'm on supply, watching more experienced teachers and taking advice from them etc etc. But there's only one way I can gain more experience of being a full time class teacher, and that's by getting a job as one!

Suppose I've just got to keep on looking; as for every door that I knock on and get turned away, I must be getting closer to the one that will let me in. So hopefully you'll indulge me and allow me my little moan, promise I'll be more cheery soon! :-)

Foolish pride...

that's all that I have left... ("Walk on By" - Jack Sigler/David Brown)

This is kind of how I feel now, and definitely how I felt on Monday night. On Monday, I auditioned for this winter's pantomime at my drama group. Before I get into the story of what happened, just let me fill you in on a little background. Basically, I've been a member of the group for about a year and a half although for the first few months I could only attend Monday rehearsals as I had another commitment on Friday evenings. As a result I didn't audition for last year's pantomime, as I didn't feel that I would be able to commit fully to a principal role if I was offered one. I ended up as a member of the chorus, but then one night by a twist of fate, I was asked to stand in for a principal who wasn't there. This one night turned into one week, then another, then another... I was recieving compliments from others in the group for my portrayal of the character and I secretly felt that the role was becoming my own. There was even discussion between some people in the group as to whether the part should be offered to me, which I was flattered by, even though deep down I knew it wouldn't have been fair on the other actress. Then...said actress returned. Even though I knew it wasn't my role to lose, I was gutted. I returned to the chorus line, able to recite her every line with her and wishing it was me who was going to get a fancy costume instead of the crappy one I would be wearing!

Anyhow, ever since, whenever the topic of a panto has been brought up, others in the group have said things like "You'd better audition for the next one" or asked if I was going to audition, and responded very positively when I said yes. So by the time this year's panto came around, I was feeling pretty damn confident! And that's when things started to go wrong...

Admittedly, I played a part in my own downfall as I decided to audition for the part of the Prince (yeah, I know I'm a girl, but girls heavily outnumber guys at our group, so they were going for a principal boy kind of thing). The acting bit of my audition went ok (I think...), but then they asked me to sing. I should have expected this, as the Prince normally has at least one solo, but it threw me completely! I couldn't think of what to sing, and when I did, my first couple of lines were completely off. It did improve after that, but it still wasn't perfect by a loooooooong way! I left the audition room, but then was called back up after a couple of minutes where I was handed a script and asked if I could think "evil"...they wanted me to audition for the part of the evil queen. They let me take the script away for a few minutes, and I hastily prepared before I was called up for the third and final time. Now in my head I was fantastic...I strutted and I sneered, my every word dripping with venom and I walked away thinking it was in the bag...no one else who was auditioning could do a better job than me!

Then came the long wait...and despite my earlier confidence, my nerves started jangling in the pit of my stomach. Then 2 people were called in, and came out ecstatic...they'd got the parts of the Prince and the Queen (both the parts I'd auditioned for). I was pleased for them, although slightly disappointed for myself but I consoled myself with the fact that there were still some parts that hadn't been assigned. Then another person who was waiting was called...she came out with a part. Not the one she had auditioned for, but a part nevertheless. Then it was my turn, and when I heard the director say "Oh Julie", I knew it wasn't going to be good news. The rest of the words turned into some kind of blur but I did register that they thought I wasn't suitable for the part and could I be in the chorus. I said yes...still numb inside. I left the room, and walked straight out without even stopping to say bye. Then I got angry and upset, and spent the rest of the evening talking it over with my friend E, who also acts and understood what I was going through!

Now I'm calmer, although still upset. Maybe it's someone teaching me a lesson for being so proud and sure of myself, and if so it's worked! It's shook my confidence, as I think maybe I'm not as good an actress as I thought. I never thought I was Oscar worthy or anything, but I reckoned I was ok. As well as the praise I got last year, I also played the lead role in my college play when I was 17 so I assumed I wasn't completely useless! All of this just goes to show why I couldn't pursue acting as a career...rejection would kill me, as I'd take everything personally!

Anyway, roll on 7 o'clock! It's our first rehearsal, so I'll be plastering on the cheesy smile, cringing at the awful script and being determined to be the best damn chorus member they've EVER had!

(Oh yeah, and What's-in-my-wardrobe Wednesday will return next week! I do have pictures and everything, but thought that I should wait until the right day of the week lol!)

Highs and Lows of the week!

It's been a couple of weeks since I've done one of these posts so I think it's high time that I did another one. Although this week hasn't been that eventful, there's still been things that have made my high list and others that are definitely on my lows! So, without further ado, here goes:

Highs

• Spending time with friends: although this week hasn't been one of wild nights out (more about that later!), I've still managed to see quite a lot of my friends this week. A group of us went to see Disney on Ice on Thursday (cheesy, but great fun!), I had a dvd night with a couple of my closest friends on Friday and went round to a friend's last night to watch tv. Despite the fact that some of the nights weren't particularly eventful, I've still had a good time as I've been with people that I really enjoy spending time with!

• Work: On the whole, I'm still enjoying work (although everyone has their off days now and then) and obviously, I'm also enjoying the money that comes with it. As I get paid on a weekly basis, I know I'm never that far away from a payday and it also makes it easier to manage my money! Another thing I've enjoyed about work this week is the fact that all of it was prebooked, so it made my life a whole lot easier in terms of transport (I haven't had to fight through the rush hour!) and also meant that I didn't need to spend my free time planning lesson activities, as prebooked cover generally means that the usual class teacher will have left work for the children.

• It's October: This might seem like a strange one, it's not as if October's my favourite month or anything but there's a lot about this October that I'm really looking forward to. There's three of my friends' birthdays coming up which means that there'll be three birthday celebrations (yay!) and I'm also going to a Halloween murder mystery party which I'm very excited about! October also means that I'll get my first holiday of the school year... a whole week with nothing to do which will be bliss and it's also when my drama group will start rehearsing for our next show. I haven't seen most of the group members for over a month and I'm really looking forward to spending time with everyone again!

• Cake Wrecks: I discovered this blog the other day and I absolutely LOVE IT! Nothing else to say about this one really except check it out!

Lows

• Noisy classes: Whilst I haven't had any really difficult classes this week, most of them have been really noisy. Now it's not that I expect children to work in silence all the time or anything like that, but when it gets to the point where a class can't hear the instructions I'm giving or are being so noisy that no-one can possibly be able to concentrate, then we have a problem! I've tried using agreed signals (e.g. hands up, clapping a rhythm etc) to signal that I need a class to stop and listen, rewarding the behaviours I want and simply just waiting for silence but none of these strategies seem to be fully effective! I don't want to resort to shouting over the children, so am searching for other things to try as well. Like I said, it's nothing really major but you'd be surpr. ised how much it can wear you down.

• Not going out again this weekend: Although it's true that I have enjoyed this weekend and love spending time with my friends regardless of what we do, I'm longing for a proper night out again! It's been about 4 weeks since the fantastic weekend I blogged about here, and since then the furthest I've got on a weekend is a local pub for a couple of drinks! I've also got a great new top and I'm dying for an excuse to wear it! Fingers crossed for next week!!

• Waiting for buses after work: The sooner I learn to drive the better!! One of the bus routes in my area has recently been changed, and it means that getting to one school in particular has been made a lot more awkward for me. Whilst it's not a million miles away, I don't particularly want to walk back after a long day, but my choice is either that or waiting ages to catch the elusive bus!

So there's my highs and lows for another week. Hope you've all had fabulous weeks, with lots of highs and no real lows to speak of. Till next time...!!

Ain't it just the way...

that after being all geared up for a night out in town all week, when it comes to it, I find I've got no energy whatsoever and even the thought of a late night makes me miserable! It's a real pain, as I'd really love to go out with my friend E tonight, but I just can't! What makes it worse is that it was just going to be me and her, so because I'm not going, she 's having to make alternative arrangements. I feel like such a bad friend, as I've said all week that I'd go out even though no one else was, and now it's almost like I'm going back on my word. But I suppose staying in is better than going out and maybe feeling miserable or wanting to come home early...well that's what I'm telling myself anyway! But then again, maybe I could have given it a go. Maybe the music would have livened me up, and I would have felt my old self, and if not, at least I would have been able to say I'd tried... Although, as even getting changed feels like it would have been too much effort, then maybe not!

So what am I going to do instead then? Well...maybe watch a DVD, have a bath, maybe even a glass or two of wine. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, but nights like this certainly seem to be becoming a lot more appealing lately. I'm all for big nights out for birthdays and even just because, but just not as often any more. Ah, well, c'est la vie I suppose! Hope you're all having a lovely weekend whatever you're doing...be it a quiet night in or a wild night out!

Highs and lows of the week

So Sunday's come around again and I can't believe there's only a few hours left of my weekend...it's gone so fast! :-( But nevertheless, here we are which means just one thing... it's time for my weekly round up! It's been a busy, and occasionally stressful week, but I've still found time for some fun, so what better place to tell all than in a list of highs and lows!

Highs

• Working...this has made me happy for three main reasons. Firstly, you'll know from this post that I'd had some problems with my work situation recently. However I'm now pleased to report that they've now been resolved and I've been able to continue working as a supply teacher without worrying I'm doing something illegal! Secondly, in this post I mentioned how nervous I was about my first day back at work since July. Luckily, things weren't half as bad as I thought they might be. There were times when managing behaviour was a bit of a struggle and I'm sure that I didn't always handle things as well as I could have done, but on the whole things went well and I feel happier about the career choice I've made. There were many times over the last two years when I questioned my abilities as a teacher and wondered whether I'd be better off doing something else altogether, but now I feel more confident that I will be able to become a good teacher. I know I'm always going to be on a learning curve and that it's early days yet, but it's nice to feel positive for a change! Finally, work=money! As I haven't worked for over 2 months, I was starting to feel slightly concerned over my financial situation. Luckily, I'm still living at home with my parents so I don't have that many financial commitments but I was worrying nevertheless. Anyway, the one day I thought I'd be working turned into 2, which then turned into 4!! So that means 4 days wages next week :-) Then add to that, the guaranteed day and a half I'll be getting the week after and things are starting to look a little more rosy in the garden! :-)

• The weather...on the whole, it's been another dry and quite sunny week. It makes me feel so much better when I look out and see the sun, and travelling to and from work is much more pleasant when I don't have to battle with an umbrella in the middle of a driving rain shower!

• Spending time with friends...even if we did just stay in watching Strictly Come Dancing (and Legally Blonde...LOVE that film!), it's always nice to see the guys and catch up with them. Oh, and I received an invitation to my friends L & G's wedding in December...it's about 11 weeks and I can't wait!

• Shopping...I went to Next Clearance today and bought 2 gorgeous tops and a pair of pumps that might just help me get over my grey high tops that I posted about here plus a birthday present for my friend J. Promise I'll do a post to show them all off in their full glory very soon! Over the weekend, I picked up some cheap Gallo rose from Netto...think I'll definitely be buying more wine from there in the future!

• Getting my first blog award...many thanks to The Girl of Make Believe for this...you've got a fantastic blog too, and I feel very special to get this :-)

• The possibility of watching a new series episode of House on Sky 3 later tonight...as the new series has been shown on Sky 1 which I don't have, I've been denied my new House fix for months now :-( But this weekend, the people at Sky have created a free weekend pass on Sky 3 which means that Sky 3's showing lots of programmes that those mere mortals of us with Freeview don't usually get the chance to watch. And one of them is House!! :-) I know it's only one episode, but hopefully it'll be enough to tide me over until the new series is released on dvd.

Lows

• Tiredness... I can't believe how tired work made me this week...I'd completely forgotten how much it takes out of me, especially at the start of term! Hopefully I'll get into a routine soon though!

• The Manchester derby result... as a Manchester City fan, I was absolutely GUTTED at the derby result today. Whilst losing 4-3 to Manchester United away from home might not sound like a terrible result (especially as they are the reigning Premier League champions who have had a reasonably good start to the season and we were missing some of our best strikers), the manner of the defeat is what really sticks in my throat. After 90 minutes we were drawing 3-3, and the referee signalled that 4 minutes of additional time would be played. After 94 minutes, we were still drawing 3-3 and the match should have been stopped then and there. But then mysteriously nothing happened. Play continued and deep into the 95th minute, Manchester United scored a late, late winner. So late that 17 seconds later the full time whistle was finally blown and with it, our hopes of a draw were dashed. While Manchester United fans might see me as just a bitter City fan, I am furious about those added 2 minutes which denied us a chance of a draw, and robbed us of our 100% start to the season. As yet, nobody has offered an explanation as to why those 2 extra minutes were added to the match, and I would certainly be interested to hear what the match officials have to say for themselves. So for now, I'll be content with my own theory...that the referee was a secret United fan! ;-)

And that was the week that was! Stay tuned next week for more exciting updates on my life ;-) , some fashion and beauty posts (including my long promised review of my Bourjois bargains), maybe some randomness and anything else that takes my fancy!

Letting go is hard to do... :-(

I know I should let go, but I can't. I know I should accept the fact that things just aren't the same anymore, but instead I'm clinging on to the bitter end. I've tried to find a replacement, but there doesn't seem to be the right one out there for me. What am I talking about?? A relationship? Well, maybe, but certainly not with a human being or even a pet. To confess, I'm talking about...my shoes.



My grey marl canvas hightops and I are reaching the end of our road even though it pains me to admit it. It was love at first sight, and my attraction was only heightened when I saw the price tag (they were another Primark bargain!). Since then, I've worn them at almost every available opportunity and I'm not honestly sure how I managed without them! However, the love I've got for them means that they're quite literally being worn to death! The soles have got cracks in and the stitching at the back of the right one is coming undone :-( I've searched for a replacement pair, but Primark don't seem to sell them anymore and I'm not sure where else to look. I'm also wary as the soles of lots of hightops and pumps can have a really strong smell of rubber and I definitely don't want a pair of shoes that will stink the place out lol!

So for now, I'm stuck in a difficult situation. I don't want to stop wearing these shoes, but know that every time I do, they'll just get that bit more damaged until they eventually become unwearable. And that's a day that I really don't want to come :-(