Why can things never go to plan??

Or, more specifically, why can my blogging never go to plan?! After posting only yesterday about my planned blogging schedule for the next few days, the Internet demons have decided to throw a spanner in the works. Namely, that when I was ready to log in to Blogger and write my post, I couldn't access the Internet for neither love nor money but now when I really have no time to be blogging, as I'm due to leave the house in 10 minutes max, it decides it wants to play nice again!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

So, I suppose this is one part apology, another part explanation, and finally a thank you to my followers and commenters new and old...I appreciate your comments and support, and I hopefully be back to posting what I intended as of tomorrow :-)

Till next time...

To teach or not to teach...

that is the question! And one that I don't really have the answer to at the minute. All the way through college and university, teaching was the only career I ever had in mind. I did work experience in schools and loved it and I couldn't wait to be qualified and have a class of my own. Although I had some tough days once I started my postgrad course, I was still committed to a career in teaching and couldn't wait to make my dreams a reality once I graduated. And then things started to change...

I couldn't find a job. So I started supply work...there were some good days, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be doing and I was over the moon when I got a long term job after doing supply for nearly a year! Surely this was my moment, I'd have a class of my own and experience all that I'd gone into teaching for. But sadly, it didn't happen quite like that. I'm not sure why...I know that I struggled with behaviour management, I often found it hard to be positive and there were times when I felt that this was SO not for me. But on good days, it was the best job in the world...I came away feeling positive, uplifted and overawed by the children. Although it has to be said that those days weren't the most common occurrence! Then my contract ended and it was back on supply.

At first I didn't mind, I was grateful for the early finishes, the prospect of random days off and the fact that I could walk away from a horrendous class knowing that I'd never have to go back there again. But now, 4 terms down the line, I'm tired. Tired of doing supply knowing that the majority of classes will try it on to some extent. Tired of making the same mistakes over and over again...I actually feel that I'm becoming deskilled and that I'm less capable now than I was when I graduated nearly 3 years ago. Tired of getting up to wait for a morning call that might not come (and that I don't really want!). Tired of not enjoying my job most of the time. Tired of not getting that elusive long term teaching post, even if I'm not entirely sure that's what I want!

So now I've reached crisis point. Due to the stupid law in the UK, which I blogged about back in September last year, I have until the start of the new school year to get a job where I can finish my NQT induction; for me that will be a job that lasts for at least 2 terms. If I can't get that job by September, I can't do any more supply teaching. And I have absolutely no idea what I'd do then. Get a permanent teaching assistant's post? Do supply TA work? Get a job in a completely different sector? I haven't got a clue! Because despite all my indecision about teaching at the minute, it's the only thing I ever wanted to do. If I didn't teach, I don't know what I'd do. And if I get one of the long term posts I'm applying for? Well, the indecision would still be there. My dream scenario would be that I'd love my job and I'd be filled with renewed enthusiasm for teaching, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. I can't decide if I dislike my job because I feel terrible at it at the moment or because it's just not for me. If it's the former, then hopefully I'd develop my skills whilst working, and so feel better about both my ability to teach and the job itself. If it's the latter, then to put it bluntly, I'm screwed! But at least then I'd know, I suppose, and I'd be able to get a new job/retrain whilst I was still relatively young.

I just need a sign from somewhere! I was looking at my postgrad observation reports last night and they were good...they must prove I can teach, mustn't they? So why do I feel so useless now? Surely nearly 3 years experience should make me a better teacher! But anyway... I'm going to stop typing now before I feel any worse. Tomorrow's a new day (and I'm teaching) so I suppose now's the time to breathe, regroup and get into an upbeat frame of mind for a busy day in the classroom! Positive and in-control vibes (as I'm aiming to be firmer than firm from now on!) would be most appreciated!!

Highs and Lows of Last Week

So it's that time of the week again...you know, the one where I share the highs and lows of the past 7 days. It seems that this is pretty much all I've been doing lately...hope you're not getting too bored!! I'm hoping to inject a bit more variety into my posts over the next few days, but for now, you're just going to have to be content with this! ;-) :

Highs

• Another week off: Last week was the second week of my Easter holidays, and it was great to be able to get up late and wear what I wanted for the second week in a row, even if I didn't do anything very exciting with my time (find out what I was spending the majority of my time doing in my Lows!)
• Spending time with one of my favourite guys: Now, that doesn't mean any exciting dating/relationship news...I'm talking about H, my friends' 15 month old son!! Basically, H's mum and dad (my friends Nix and M) were meant to be watching another of our friends in a play on Friday night and H's nana (Nix's mum) was meant to be babysitting. But due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland, she, along with Nix's stepdad, brothers and sisters,was stuck in the Canary Islands!! So Nix sent out a distress call...and along came Auntie Julie to the rescue! I was feeling very apprehensive at first, as I'd never spent any time alone with H before, and this wasn't helped by the fact that he started crying when he saw his mum and dad driving away! But I needn't have worried, as he soon settled down and was an absolute gem for the rest of the evening. He smiled, chattered away, shared lots of his toys and drank an 8oz bottle without any fuss!! I just hope I'm as lucky when it comes to my future children!!
• An evening at the theatre:...especially when the play I'm watching features one of my friends! On Saturday night it was my turn to go and see the play that I mentioned in my previous paragraph...and it was amazing!! Gripping, emotional, darkly funny, with more than one twist thrown in for good measure...if ever "Knife Edge" appears in a theatre near you, my advice would definitely be to check it out, even if your production doesn't have my wonderful actor of a friend Nick in it!
• Kick Ass (The film and the shot)..."There's a Kick Ass shot?", I hear you ask... Well yes there is, but more about that later!! First of all, I'll talk about the film. I heard great things about it, and when Amy and I saw it on Thursday, neither of us were disappointed! I loved the humour, the music, pretty much everything about it to be honest...even if lots of the content was pretty disturbing if you stopped to think about it for too long! And I've got a new heroine in Hit Girl...oh, to have even half the attitude that she does!! ;-) And now onto the shot...after the play on Saturday, Nick, I, and a couple of other friends headed into town and our first stop was Baa Bar. As it's famous for its shots it would have been rude not to have any (!), so as soon as we arrived we headed straight to the bar and consulted the menu. And that's when I saw it...there was a Kick Ass shot (which consisted of tequila, blue curacao and something red...I think it was strawberry?!) and like the film, it was pretty damn good! My only complaint is that it wasn't the proper Kick Ass colours (green and yellow lol!) but a girl can't have everything I suppose!!

Lows

• Job applications...After last week, I'm sick of the sight of them! As I had a lot that needed to be submitted by either this Friday (23rd) or next Monday (26th), I decided that I'd try and plough through as many as possible so that I didn't have too much to do once I got back to work. And whilst I'm relieved that I managed to complete 4 of them, I can't say that it was an enjoyable task! Gone are the days where applying for a job just meant filling in an application form that took up a couple of sides of A4. Now my forms can be anywhere between 5 and 15(!) pages, and that's before I even have to contend with the personal statement! 2-3 sides of A4 where I explain what a fabulous teacher I am, and why the school should be rushing to snap me up! And even though it might save me time in the short term, I've discovered to my peril that there's no point just writing a generic statement and using it for every school...it doesn't get you anywhere!! :-( So I'm writing pretty much a new statement for every job, and hating most of it...although I must admit there's a delicious irony in saying how enthusiastic and motivated you are, when in reality you can't think of anything worse than writing yet another new statement!! Although the tedium is all worth it when I finally finish...or when I get that elusive interview :-) Fingers crossed for more coming my way soon!!
• A terrible driving lesson...Now when your driving instructor gets a new car, you might expect your first lesson in it to be a little less than perfect, right? Wrong...mine was absolutely fine. So, when it came to my second, I wasn't unduly bothered, so (according to Sod's Law) it makes perfect sense for it to have been truly awful!! I stalled so many times I lost count...including once on a roundabout, and several times when I hadn't even realised I'd stalled at all...until I came to move, that was!! I had terrible difficulty finding the gears, and kept putting the car into the wrong one, resulting in a horrible burning smell coming from the clutch!! I forgot when my handbrake was on and when it was off...need I continue?! According to my instructor, everybody has those days every once in a while, but it still didn't do much for my confidence, especially as I'm meant to be booking my practical test very soon (eeeeek!)

And there's another edition of my highs and lows. Stay tuned for a new "What's in my Wardrobe Wednesday" post tomorrow...I've got lots of ideas, so expect it to become a regular feature once again!!

Circles

Apologies in advance...this isn't going to be the cheeriest post, my positivity seems to have deserted me at the moment :-(

Anyway, yesterday I went for an interview. Unlike my previous interview that I posted about a couple of weeks ago, not many people knew about this one. Partly because I didn't want to get my expectations up, and also partly because the time scale was so short...I received an answerphone message and email on Monday afternoon, inviting me for interview and to teach a 30 minute lesson on Wednesday morning! So yesterday, I got suited and booted and went along to the school. I taught my lesson which I felt went ok, but not brilliantly and then had my interview, which included a couple of tricky questions, but nothing which left me completely lost! With the interview over, the head, and assistant head thanked me for coming and told me I'd find out their decision later that day.

And about four hours later the phone rang. I'd not been waiting by it all day (I'd done some Christmas shopping to kill time and had only recently returned home) but I was still eager to take the call. It was the headteacher, and she informed me that I...hadn't got the job. She offered feedback; said my lesson was good and gave me pointers on a couple of areas for improvement (things that I normally actually do when I teach, but seemed to have got lost in my nerves) and asked if they could keep my details on file. So far, so positive. But the thing that really got to me was the reason I didn't get the job...they went for a "more experienced" candidate. Now, I know I was trying to be positive about this situation a couple of weeks ago, so if you want to call me a hypocrite for moaning about it now, I won't mind...you'd be well within your rights to do so. But anyway, getting back on track, the reason I'm so annoyed is because there's nothing I can do about my lack of experience unless someone gives me a job! It's turning into a vicious circle: I don't have enough experience so I miss out on jobs, but because I can't get a job I can't get the experience I so desperately need! As strange as it sounds, I'd much rather someone tell me I wasn't a good enough candidate to get the job. There's 1001 ways I can become a better teacher: attending courses, reading books and official publications and applying their insights to my work, trying new things when I'm on supply, watching more experienced teachers and taking advice from them etc etc. But there's only one way I can gain more experience of being a full time class teacher, and that's by getting a job as one!

Suppose I've just got to keep on looking; as for every door that I knock on and get turned away, I must be getting closer to the one that will let me in. So hopefully you'll indulge me and allow me my little moan, promise I'll be more cheery soon! :-)

Foolish pride...

that's all that I have left... ("Walk on By" - Jack Sigler/David Brown)

This is kind of how I feel now, and definitely how I felt on Monday night. On Monday, I auditioned for this winter's pantomime at my drama group. Before I get into the story of what happened, just let me fill you in on a little background. Basically, I've been a member of the group for about a year and a half although for the first few months I could only attend Monday rehearsals as I had another commitment on Friday evenings. As a result I didn't audition for last year's pantomime, as I didn't feel that I would be able to commit fully to a principal role if I was offered one. I ended up as a member of the chorus, but then one night by a twist of fate, I was asked to stand in for a principal who wasn't there. This one night turned into one week, then another, then another... I was recieving compliments from others in the group for my portrayal of the character and I secretly felt that the role was becoming my own. There was even discussion between some people in the group as to whether the part should be offered to me, which I was flattered by, even though deep down I knew it wouldn't have been fair on the other actress. Then...said actress returned. Even though I knew it wasn't my role to lose, I was gutted. I returned to the chorus line, able to recite her every line with her and wishing it was me who was going to get a fancy costume instead of the crappy one I would be wearing!

Anyhow, ever since, whenever the topic of a panto has been brought up, others in the group have said things like "You'd better audition for the next one" or asked if I was going to audition, and responded very positively when I said yes. So by the time this year's panto came around, I was feeling pretty damn confident! And that's when things started to go wrong...

Admittedly, I played a part in my own downfall as I decided to audition for the part of the Prince (yeah, I know I'm a girl, but girls heavily outnumber guys at our group, so they were going for a principal boy kind of thing). The acting bit of my audition went ok (I think...), but then they asked me to sing. I should have expected this, as the Prince normally has at least one solo, but it threw me completely! I couldn't think of what to sing, and when I did, my first couple of lines were completely off. It did improve after that, but it still wasn't perfect by a loooooooong way! I left the audition room, but then was called back up after a couple of minutes where I was handed a script and asked if I could think "evil"...they wanted me to audition for the part of the evil queen. They let me take the script away for a few minutes, and I hastily prepared before I was called up for the third and final time. Now in my head I was fantastic...I strutted and I sneered, my every word dripping with venom and I walked away thinking it was in the bag...no one else who was auditioning could do a better job than me!

Then came the long wait...and despite my earlier confidence, my nerves started jangling in the pit of my stomach. Then 2 people were called in, and came out ecstatic...they'd got the parts of the Prince and the Queen (both the parts I'd auditioned for). I was pleased for them, although slightly disappointed for myself but I consoled myself with the fact that there were still some parts that hadn't been assigned. Then another person who was waiting was called...she came out with a part. Not the one she had auditioned for, but a part nevertheless. Then it was my turn, and when I heard the director say "Oh Julie", I knew it wasn't going to be good news. The rest of the words turned into some kind of blur but I did register that they thought I wasn't suitable for the part and could I be in the chorus. I said yes...still numb inside. I left the room, and walked straight out without even stopping to say bye. Then I got angry and upset, and spent the rest of the evening talking it over with my friend E, who also acts and understood what I was going through!

Now I'm calmer, although still upset. Maybe it's someone teaching me a lesson for being so proud and sure of myself, and if so it's worked! It's shook my confidence, as I think maybe I'm not as good an actress as I thought. I never thought I was Oscar worthy or anything, but I reckoned I was ok. As well as the praise I got last year, I also played the lead role in my college play when I was 17 so I assumed I wasn't completely useless! All of this just goes to show why I couldn't pursue acting as a career...rejection would kill me, as I'd take everything personally!

Anyway, roll on 7 o'clock! It's our first rehearsal, so I'll be plastering on the cheesy smile, cringing at the awful script and being determined to be the best damn chorus member they've EVER had!

(Oh yeah, and What's-in-my-wardrobe Wednesday will return next week! I do have pictures and everything, but thought that I should wait until the right day of the week lol!)

Quarter-life Crisis! :-(

My name's Julie and I'm suffering from a quarter-life crisis. I've suspected it for a while, and I suppose the best thing to do is just get it down in writing so I can begin to work through it.

My first problem is the lack of a meaningful relationship in my life over the past few years. At the start of my 20s, I was engaged, living with my fiance in our own house and I thought my future was all mapped out. Now in my mid 20s, I'm a long term singleton and it feels like my dreams of marriage and babies by the time I'm 30 are getting further and further away. It also doesn't help that I feel less mature now than I did when I was in my late teens/early 20s! It's not that I don't love having the freedom to do what I want, whenever I want and the knowledge that I only have to look out for Number One, because this is a part of singledom I have really come to appreciate...but I just feel like I'm drifting somehow and that my life, although fun, and even fulfilling, at times, doesn't really have much meaning at the moment. I look at people I know (and bloggers!) who are settled and/or have children and I yearn to be in their shoes. I worry that my years on my own have made me too selfish and too picky and that there will never be anyone who meets up to the image of the man I have in my mind. Although I dislike being single, I have been this way for so long that it has become strangely comforting and I think that the man who makes me want to let go of my security blanket will have to be pretty special.

Secondly, and in a related-ish vein to the previous paragraph, is the fact that I am still living at home with my parents and siblings. I love my family dearly, although I often find myself snapping at them (especially my Mum) and being resentful when they ask me to do even minor things. I don't know if this is because I feel that I'm an adult and I should be able to live my own life without interference, but it's not right. I used to have a fantastic relationship with my Mum, and I don't want it to be ruined by my petty moaning. I know I should be grateful for the million and one things my Mum and Dad do for me...washing, ironing, cooking my meals, acting as my taxi service etc , etc, especially as I disliked housework when I lived in my own place, but I can honestly say that I normally forget how lucky I am. Due to my job situation (which will be explained in the next paragraph), I am unable to even consider moving out of home yet and this also frustrates me. I think that even if I had the slightest possibility of being able to move out in the next few years, I would feel like my life was moving in the right direction.

Third, and finally, is my job situation. Since about the age of 14, all I ever wanted to be was a primary school teacher. To be on the safe side however, I did a non teaching degree and studied for a BA in Language, Literacy and Communication, which I then followed up with post grad primary teacher training. The year I spent doing my teacher training was honestly one of the hardest, but most fulfilling, years of my life and I went through it really looking forward to the next stage in my career. Then the problems started. Despite the fact that the country is apparently crying out for teachers, it isn't crying out for female primary teachers in the North West! I qualified over 2 years ago and still haven't had a job that has lasted longer than a term and a half. My time has been spent doing a mix of day-to-day and pre-booked supply (substitute) teaching and a maternity cover (the term and a half) where I was employed by the local authority. There are some things I love about supply...the fact I don't have to stay behind for parents' evenings or staff meetings, the opportunity to go to new schools, meet new people and try new things, no evenings or weekends spent planning and preparing resources, having the freedom to say no to work if I feel ill, don't like the school/age group or simply just can't be bothered! But this isn't why I went into teaching. I entered the profession so I could become an excellent teacher, so I could build a relationship with a group of children and hopefully be able to make a difference to them, maybe even give them something that would stay with them for the rest of their lives. Supply teaching allows me none of this, and in addition, I never know how much work I am going to get over a given period of time, meaning it would be impossible for me to get a mortgage as I would be unable to say how much money I would have left at the end of it. I often walk away from classrooms feeling like I am a bad teacher and my continued job search only serves to reinforce this suspicion, leaving me demotivated and demoralised. Since I qualified, there have been two further classes of NQTs entering the job market, so there is even more competition for the few jobs that are out there. At the moment, I am not in a position to relocate to an area where there are more vacancies, so I guess it's almost a vicious circle. Phew...and breathe!

Anyway, enough of the ranting! I suppose people reading this may see me as a spoilt and self indulgent 20something with no real problems and they may well be right. But they're real enough to me, even though they are probably mere inconveniences in the grand scheme of things, and so I need to do something about them. So what am I doing? Well, firstly, I've written this down. It's nice to know I can vent in (relative) anonymity and it has helped to clear my head, even if I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Secondly, I am making changes in my life, even if they are quite minor. I have joined a dating website. I'm not sure if I'm in the mood for dating right now, but it's nice to know the possibility is there. I'm taking driving lessons, and hope to pass my test by the end of the year. Not only will this give me some of the independence I crave,but it will also mean I can cast my net a little wider when job hunting as I'll be able to get to so many more places without having to rely on public transport. I'm taking opportunities to go on free professional development courses. These will obviously be personally beneficial to me, but also will hopefully also enhance my CV/application forms and give them a bit of an edge. Finally, I think I should start making a list of things I'm thankful for...which will make these problems seem less important. I'll kick off with 5 for now:

1. My fantastic family and friends - love you all!
2. My good health (even if I do have a cold at the moment)
3. My fabulous new netbook...my optimism on Monday was well founded!
4. My intelligence...I'm not being bigheaded but my brain has opened quite a few doors for me.
5. Blogging...I'm really enjoying writing, and am especially happy today as I've been approved as a member of 20something bloggers!

And that's finally it for now...definitely the longest post I've ever written, and probably the most heartfelt too!

Midweek slump...

Maybe it's just because I'm coming towards the end of a tiring and busy school year. Or because I'm trying to do too many job applications at once, and stressing myself out. Or it's the fact that I can never get to bed early enough. Or maybe it's just all 3!! Whatever it is, I'm officially in a slump and I can't believe it's still only Wednesday night. I do know there's people who have to juggle far more than me; I'm not the worst off by any means but I'm still feeling a little bit sorry for myself and I just need to vent!

On the other hand, it's hopefully looking up a bit from here. I'm not working tomorrow morning or at all on Friday, so I should be able to have a bit more rest and have extra time to tackle the dreaded applications too! Fingers crossed that I'll be feeling a little more human then! Rant over... for now! ;-)