To teach or not to teach...

that is the question! And one that I don't really have the answer to at the minute. All the way through college and university, teaching was the only career I ever had in mind. I did work experience in schools and loved it and I couldn't wait to be qualified and have a class of my own. Although I had some tough days once I started my postgrad course, I was still committed to a career in teaching and couldn't wait to make my dreams a reality once I graduated. And then things started to change...

I couldn't find a job. So I started supply work...there were some good days, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be doing and I was over the moon when I got a long term job after doing supply for nearly a year! Surely this was my moment, I'd have a class of my own and experience all that I'd gone into teaching for. But sadly, it didn't happen quite like that. I'm not sure why...I know that I struggled with behaviour management, I often found it hard to be positive and there were times when I felt that this was SO not for me. But on good days, it was the best job in the world...I came away feeling positive, uplifted and overawed by the children. Although it has to be said that those days weren't the most common occurrence! Then my contract ended and it was back on supply.

At first I didn't mind, I was grateful for the early finishes, the prospect of random days off and the fact that I could walk away from a horrendous class knowing that I'd never have to go back there again. But now, 4 terms down the line, I'm tired. Tired of doing supply knowing that the majority of classes will try it on to some extent. Tired of making the same mistakes over and over again...I actually feel that I'm becoming deskilled and that I'm less capable now than I was when I graduated nearly 3 years ago. Tired of getting up to wait for a morning call that might not come (and that I don't really want!). Tired of not enjoying my job most of the time. Tired of not getting that elusive long term teaching post, even if I'm not entirely sure that's what I want!

So now I've reached crisis point. Due to the stupid law in the UK, which I blogged about back in September last year, I have until the start of the new school year to get a job where I can finish my NQT induction; for me that will be a job that lasts for at least 2 terms. If I can't get that job by September, I can't do any more supply teaching. And I have absolutely no idea what I'd do then. Get a permanent teaching assistant's post? Do supply TA work? Get a job in a completely different sector? I haven't got a clue! Because despite all my indecision about teaching at the minute, it's the only thing I ever wanted to do. If I didn't teach, I don't know what I'd do. And if I get one of the long term posts I'm applying for? Well, the indecision would still be there. My dream scenario would be that I'd love my job and I'd be filled with renewed enthusiasm for teaching, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. I can't decide if I dislike my job because I feel terrible at it at the moment or because it's just not for me. If it's the former, then hopefully I'd develop my skills whilst working, and so feel better about both my ability to teach and the job itself. If it's the latter, then to put it bluntly, I'm screwed! But at least then I'd know, I suppose, and I'd be able to get a new job/retrain whilst I was still relatively young.

I just need a sign from somewhere! I was looking at my postgrad observation reports last night and they were good...they must prove I can teach, mustn't they? So why do I feel so useless now? Surely nearly 3 years experience should make me a better teacher! But anyway... I'm going to stop typing now before I feel any worse. Tomorrow's a new day (and I'm teaching) so I suppose now's the time to breathe, regroup and get into an upbeat frame of mind for a busy day in the classroom! Positive and in-control vibes (as I'm aiming to be firmer than firm from now on!) would be most appreciated!!

Highs and Lows of Last Week (and a look ahead!)

What a surprise! Yet another post that's later than promised (although only by a couple of days this time!) So, making a long overdue appearance, here are my highs and lows of the past week (well the ones I can remember anyway!)

Highs

The power of Facebook: Early on last week, I posted a status on Facebook asking for recipe inspiration, as I don't want my repertoire to consist solely of gingerbread lol! Within a couple of hours of updating, I got the first suggestions and since then have had quite a few ranging from banana bread to peanut butter cookies, and even a couple of full length recipes for chocolate chip cookies! I wasn't even sure if anyone would respond, so was very pleasantly surprised! Look out for some baking posts coming up soon!

Nights in with friends: Quite a big part of last weekend for me was spent with friends watching DVDs and Youtube clips, chatting and eating...so much so that that was what I was doing on Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night! For someone who used to be out most Saturday nights at the very least, it's coming as a bit of a shock to realise that I actually love staying in! Not that I'd want to do that every weekend, but sometimes you just can't beat it!

Your expectations being exceeded: On Monday last week, I did not want to go to rehearsals for my drama group's latest show. Why? Because I was embarassed. The Friday before had been our auditions, and I planned to sing Moon River as a solo audition piece, as well as singing a group number with my friends. I'd been practicing Moon River all week and, while not exactly confident, wasn't totally dreading my solo either. Then came my turn to be called up. The backing track started, the accompanist counted me in, I opened my mouth to sing and...completely the wrong note came out. So I started again, but again the note was wrong. Then I tried to sing acapella, but still couldn't find the right key! Not wanting to prolong the agony any longer, I ended my audition then and there, feeling absolutely mortified! Although the group audition went ok and restored my shattered pride a little, I was convinced that I wouldn't get offered any solos. But, lo and behold...I did! I've got the first verse of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" all to myself, and my friends and I are also going to be doing "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago, which I'm ridiculously excited about, if apprehensive at the same time (I'm not a dancer by any means!)

Flashforward's back: After 3 months, Flashforward was back with a bang (and a double episode!) After thinking that I wouldn't even be able to remember where the story was up to, I was amazed at how quickly I got back into it. I just hope that there's going to be a second series, as I've heard rumours that there won't be due to poor ratings in the US. Fingers crossed it's not true!

And now for the lows...

Lows

Tiredness: After just a couple of full days of work last week, I was ready to drop! I'm not sure if it was more the fact that I find it difficult to get to bed any time before 11 or that I can never get into a proper routine, due to the variability of my work situation! Plus the fact that the clocks went forward really didn't help, as Iwas deprived of a whole hour's sleep! On the plus side, the Easter holidays are coming up very, very soon!!


No town hall tour for me (or Amy): On Sunday afternoon, Amy and I headed to Manchester to have a Town Hall tour. We met up with our tour group at the visitors' centre and were very excited when the guide said that there were no events taking place there that day and that he'd have carte blanche to take us wherever he wanted. But as we walked over to the town hall, things started to go a little awry. We looked up and saw a man standing on the town hall roof. "Was he meant to be there?", we wondered. Then we saw a few police officers standing around and realised that, no, he definitely wasn't! Our guide stopped us in front of the main entrance, only for us to be moved on by the police. So he attempted to begin our tour again, only for us to be moved even further down a couple of minutes later. So finally, we went right round to the third, and final, street entrance and were just getting ready to go inside when...a town hall employee came over and told our guide that we couldn't go inside, as the police were sending teams inside the building to try to get the man down and there was to be no access to anyone else. So that was the end of that! We went back to the visitor centre, got a refund and made our way home. On a happier note, I found out the next day that the man had made his way down safely, and I suppose that's more important than anything else!

And finally, as it's the end of the month, here's a list of things I'm looking forward to in April:

• The Easter Holidays: The schools in my area break up tomorrow, most of them for 2 weeks, so I'm looking forward to 2 weeks with no early get ups, lots of chocolate and as much relaxation as possible!
• An Easter Saturday meal with my family at our favourite pub/restaurant.
• My theory test: While this isn't exactly something I can't wait for, I am keen to get it out of the way! It's in just over a week (8th April), and I'll have to do a fair bit of revision before then, as whilst lots of the answers are just common sense, there's some facts that you just need to learn too!
• The Primary Education Show: This'll be my third Primary Education fair, and it's something I really look forward to. As a supply teacher, it's often difficult to get hold of resources and undertake professional development, so I love taking the opportunity to go round the stalls and take part in seminars/workshops.
• Dancing on Ice Live Tour: This is another event that's becoming a tradition for me. It'll be the fourth time for me, and the third for Amy, who I'm going with. It's always a great show and I'm especially looking forward to it this time, as Amy and I have got floor seats, and we're on the second row from the front!!
• Iron Man 2: Whilst being really annoyed that the UK DVD release date for Sherlock Holmes has been put back to 17th May, I'm much more happy that Iron Man 2 is being released over here on 30th April, a full week before its US release. Although I'm not going to see it in April, I'll definitely be watching it in its first weekend...I just can't wait any longer for my RDJ fix!!

And that's it from me...expect many more posts now the schools are breaking up!

Musings from my dark side

Despite the fact that I sometimes wish that my blog had more readers, it's times like today when I'm glad that my friends don't read my blog or, in most cases, aren't even aware of its existence. Why? Because I'm about to make a confession that may hurt, upset, anger or disappoint them if I knew the truth. And the truth is this: I'm jealous. Not of all my friends or in every aspect of life; my own particular green eyed monster is a sneaky creature and is very picky about the times it chooses to emerge. So let me illustrate with an example...

The time: Saturday night. The place: A bustling bar in the centre of town. The players: 5 twentysomethings; 2 of whom are a couple and 3 who are single (including me and my friend E). Everything is going swimmingly. Drinks and conversation are flowing, the music is great and the atmosphere's just right until...a guy spots E and makes it quite clear he's interested. So everyone else starts laying the groundwork; people strategically swap places so that the two couldn't help but "accidentally" bump into each other, one of us goes over to the guy to tell him E's name and even I try to convince E to go over and talk to him (she doesn't believe in making the first move!) Then after 45 minutes of trying, just as the likelihood of the plans coming to fruition is looking increasingly remote, BAM...conversation ensues and kisses and mobile numbers are exchanged. Mission accomplished! So tell me this...why did I not feel happy for her? Why did I wish it hadn't happened? Why was I feeling increasingly down?

Now, I meant what I said to her...I genuinely wanted her to start talking to him. They were obviously interested in each other and it would have been a shame if the opportunity had been missed. And I see my friends in relationships, and other than the odd wistful "I wish I had my someone special", they don't have a negative effect. I watched my best friend J get married and it was one of the happiest occasions in my life, and I feel the same happiness whenever I see her and her husband together, as they're such a good match. So again I ask: why did this hurt me so?

I do have some theories, some which I feel are more relevant than others, but all containing at least a grain of truth.

• Was I annoyed that my friends weren't putting in a similar effort to set me up with someone? This is probably the weakest of my theories. Yes, I do get my paranoid moments where I think that my friends don't really like me that much, but to be fair, I hadn't seen anyone who I was interested in, and even if they had tried to set me up with someone, I probably wouldn't have been interested anyway as I'm notoriously picky!
• Was my lack of self esteem the cause of my jealousy? I think this definitely played a part. I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive, and so I think I may well have seen the fact that someone was interested in E as a reflection on my attractiveness. Men are often interested in her when we're on a night out, therefore she must be better looking than I am (at least in my head, if not in real life.)
• Am I scared of being alone? In a word, yes! E and I have both been single for a while, so I suppose I might be scared of being on my own if she started a relationship with someone new. She might not be my best friend, but we are very close and she's the friend I see most of, as J lives a couple of hours away. Now, I know full well she's not the type of person who'd drop her friends if a guy came along, but it didn't make any difference to my thoughts on Saturday night! I hate the thought of being the only single girl in my circle of friends. I suppose with this one I'm feeling a bit like House in S4, where he's coming to terms with Wilson having a new girlfriend, or even like Holmes in the new Sherlock Holmes film, when he seems to be less than happy at the thought of Watson getting married. But this is where the similarities end...unlike those two characters, I wouldn't stoop to sabotage to try and ensure that she remains single! I always give her honest advice and I want her to be happy...that's why I encouraged her to go and talk to the guy at the bar and also why we spent hours together beforehand picking out an outfit that she felt happy in, as she was having a fat day and feeling pretty down in the dumps. And I know she'd do the same for me. Which is why I'd be horrified if she knew I felt this way.

So, there we are. I appreciate that I may raise some strong opinions with this post...I fully expect to. If you think that I'm horrible then, as much as it would hurt me to hear, then so be it...I don't exactly like this side of me either but it's something that I've got to deal with somehow. And I thought that maybe writing it down might be the best place to start...

Highs and Lows of the Week

So after a few days of posting on a daily basis, I took a little break but now I'm back to share my highs and lows of last week.

Highs

• School Holidays: The schools broke up last Friday and I don't go back to work until at least the 4th of January. As I've not got a full time job yet, it means that I won't have any work to do over the next 2 weeks and can hopefully just sit back, relax and enjoy Christmas!!
• Good company and good food: Last weekend, I spent Saturday and Sunday nights with some of my closest friends. On Saturday evening, I went round to a friend's where a few of us treated ourselves to a Christmas curry takeaway and watched Love Actually, which really got us into the Christmas spirit, even if some parts were sadder than I remember (Emma Thompson's storyline and the part where Andrew Lincoln holds up the signs both made me well up :-( ). Sunday night was even better...about 15 of us got together and went for a Christmas meal at a local pub. There was lots of eating, drinking and conversation, as well as wearing party hats, pulling crackers and blowing party blowers (we were SO mature!) and the evening went by in a flash. We also exchanged Secret Santa gifts...I'm really impatient to see what mine are, but can have a good guess by the shape lol!
• Snow: After being disappointed earlier in the week, the snow finally arrived on Saturday. Although the first snowfall was washed away by heavy rain, we then had more overnight and well into Sunday. I can't remember the last time we had so much snow that actually stuck in Manchester and I loved seeing the children playing out and how pretty everything looked.
• Birthdays: As I mentioned last week, it was my sister Amy's 16th birthday on the 16th of December and I was really happy to be able to celebrate with her.

Lows

• Bad skin: I've never had a perfect complexion by any means, but lately I seem to be getting spots and blemishes on my face that just aren't shifting! I think I'm going to have to be on the lookout for some new skincare products, because the ones I've got don't seem to be doing their job at the moment. Have you got any recommendations for any effective (but affordable!) products I could try?
• Forgetfulness: I went shopping to Primark last Thursday, and it was only when I got to the till that I realised that I'd forgotten my card and I didn't have that much cash on me. As a result, I was only able to buy the essentials I needed, as I also had to buy a Secret Santa present and a hot drink as I was freezing! Not my proudest moment, especially as I felt really embarrassed at the till when the sales assistant had to void items as I couldn't afford them!
• No work=no pay: I know I've already mentioned that I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks off work, but I'm not looking forward to the prospect of at least 2 weeks without pay (as a supply teacher, I only get paid for days I work, not year round). Christmas and driving lessons as well as other more frivolous spending have really eaten into my bank account over the last few months, and I think one of my goals for 2010 will definitely have to be to be more careful with my money and keep a more detailed record of my spending!

So there's my highs and lows for another week! Hope you had a good one too, and that you enjoy the Christmas week ahead! :-)

Circles

Apologies in advance...this isn't going to be the cheeriest post, my positivity seems to have deserted me at the moment :-(

Anyway, yesterday I went for an interview. Unlike my previous interview that I posted about a couple of weeks ago, not many people knew about this one. Partly because I didn't want to get my expectations up, and also partly because the time scale was so short...I received an answerphone message and email on Monday afternoon, inviting me for interview and to teach a 30 minute lesson on Wednesday morning! So yesterday, I got suited and booted and went along to the school. I taught my lesson which I felt went ok, but not brilliantly and then had my interview, which included a couple of tricky questions, but nothing which left me completely lost! With the interview over, the head, and assistant head thanked me for coming and told me I'd find out their decision later that day.

And about four hours later the phone rang. I'd not been waiting by it all day (I'd done some Christmas shopping to kill time and had only recently returned home) but I was still eager to take the call. It was the headteacher, and she informed me that I...hadn't got the job. She offered feedback; said my lesson was good and gave me pointers on a couple of areas for improvement (things that I normally actually do when I teach, but seemed to have got lost in my nerves) and asked if they could keep my details on file. So far, so positive. But the thing that really got to me was the reason I didn't get the job...they went for a "more experienced" candidate. Now, I know I was trying to be positive about this situation a couple of weeks ago, so if you want to call me a hypocrite for moaning about it now, I won't mind...you'd be well within your rights to do so. But anyway, getting back on track, the reason I'm so annoyed is because there's nothing I can do about my lack of experience unless someone gives me a job! It's turning into a vicious circle: I don't have enough experience so I miss out on jobs, but because I can't get a job I can't get the experience I so desperately need! As strange as it sounds, I'd much rather someone tell me I wasn't a good enough candidate to get the job. There's 1001 ways I can become a better teacher: attending courses, reading books and official publications and applying their insights to my work, trying new things when I'm on supply, watching more experienced teachers and taking advice from them etc etc. But there's only one way I can gain more experience of being a full time class teacher, and that's by getting a job as one!

Suppose I've just got to keep on looking; as for every door that I knock on and get turned away, I must be getting closer to the one that will let me in. So hopefully you'll indulge me and allow me my little moan, promise I'll be more cheery soon! :-)

Highs and Lows of the Week

Can't believe it's Monday already...the weekend went far too quickly! But it is, which means only one thing...that it's time to share my highs and lows of last week!

Highs

• Having a 3 day week: Now I could have been negative and seen my return to work after half term as a bad thing, but I'm not going to. One of the reasons is that I only actually worked on 3 days last week. I had Monday off as the schools didn't go back till Tuesday, and although I was available for work on Friday, I just didn't get a call which meant no work and an early start to my weekend! The second reason that I quite liked work last week was that three of the four classes I worked with were absolutely lovely, and at the end of the day I left the classroom feeling good about myself which is sometimes a rarity!

• New clothes: I picked up a couple of new tops from Asda last week that I'm planning on wearing for a couple of big nights out that I've got coming up...the joint birthday bash for my friends E and D on Saturday and my friend L's hen do on the Saturday after that. No pictures yet...I'll either do them in my next wardrobe Wednesday or when I've actually worn the tops.

• Christmas Starbucks: I was so excited when I went in Starbucks on Friday and saw that the red cups were back and the Christmas food and drink ranges were in store. I just had to have a Gingerbread latte and a Cranberry and Orange muffin (both skinny...so zero guilt on my part!). And they were so good that I was forced to go back yesterday and have another latte and a Christmas Pudding cupcake. I'm already wracking my brains to think of the next time I can go back for another treat!

Lows

• Rain: As I sit and type this it's a lovely sunny day, and I can already see the beginnings of a gorgeous sunset. It's so much better than the almost endless rain we had last week which was horrible. I got soaked on the way to work and then, after getting dried out, proceeded to get drenched again on the way home. Although I used an umbrella, my coat got wet, my trousers got wet and water somehow leaked into my shoes and I ended up with wet feet. Nightmare!! I'm seriously considering buying a pair of wellies so it doesn't happen again!

• My dodgy immune system: I came down with a cold on Saturday night, which meant I was sniffling then and all day yesterday, and am rather blocked up today. I know I'm lucky that it was over quite quickly and I haven't been that ill, but I hate that annoying feeling where you're not completely well, but not really ill either. It's also my third cold since August, so I think I've already had more than my fair share!

• The X Factor: I normally love this show but I'm getting really sick of it now due to the fact that the terrible twins are getting through week after week. They can't sing, can't dance and are really annoying and I think it's really unfair that better singers are going out at their expense. And I can't believe that Simon Cowell didn't take the opportunity to get rid of them when they were in the bottom 2 last night! He's been moaning for weeks about how bad they are but failed to do anything about the situation when he had the chance! It does make me seriously consider the rumours that the show has been fixed in favour of them, and if they do get much further, I think I'm going to give up and watch Strictly Come Dancing instead!

So there's my highs and lows. How was last week for you?

Highs and Lows of the Week

I know it's a bit late...but better late than never, here are my highs and lows of last week:



Highs

• Saturday - I know it might seem a bit random to have a whole day on my "highs" list, but there it is. Saturday was an absolutely fantastic day! It was a close friend's birthday on Friday, and on Saturday we went up to Blackpool to get some lunch and see an ice show. The show was amazing...as it took place in a small arena, we were only a few rows from the front and could actually hear the sound of the blades on the ice. There were loads of great performances including those from professional pairs and solo skaters and celebrities who'd featured on the "Dancing on Ice" tv show as well as a local 10 year old who was incredible, and a team of freestyle skaters. Imagine street dance on skates, and you'll get a better idea of what they did. My favourites, though, were a pair of brothers from Italy. They were circus trained and were basically clowns on ice! I was amazed when they started juggling whilst skating and even more so when one leapfrogged the other and carried on juggling from where the first one left off! After the show, we headed back home and spent the evening watching X Factor (I was soooo happy it was big band week!) and eating takeaway.

• My friends - While I already know I've got great friends, something that happened last week really helped to confirm that for me (more about that in the "lows" section!).

• Half term - I suppose this should technically go in my next "highs and lows" post, but as the start of it was last week, it can go in this one too! Basically, the schools in my area broke up for a week's holiday last Friday, so it means that this week I'm pretty much a lady of leisure! I've been really looking forward to the break...the first half term is always the longest...and will keep everyone posted with what I get up to. I've already been shopping, and will post more details of my purchases tomorrow in my "What's-in-my-wardrobe Wednesday" post.

• Unintentionally funny TV - SuperNanny, John and Edward's vintage performance on X Factor (even although I do think they should have been out weeks ago!) and my favourite from last week... Wife Swap USA. It was the episode featuring the Heene family, who've been more recently in the news for faking the disappearance of their 7-year-old son Falcon, in a home made balloon (for a recap of that story click here) and the safety cautious Martels. I know it wasn't intended to be a comedy programme...but it made me laugh harder than I'd done for a few days! If you haven't watched it, my advice would be to check it out and pay special attention to the video the Martel children make to list the things they're frightened of. I'll never look at lava lamps the same way again!

Lows

• Spending the day in hospital: Last Wednesday, I woke very early with severe abdominal cramps that were making me nauseous and dizzy. Aunt Flo wasn't visiting, and I was especially concerned as I knew I had a cyst on my left ovary, so I decided to go to hospital to get checked out. The pain subsided after about half an hour, but it was decided that after undergoing blood tests and an examination in the accident and emergency department, I should be admitted as an in-patient so I could be observed and have a pelvic ultrasound scan either later that day or the next morning. Luckily, I was able to have the scan that day but unluckily, I was unable to eat until I had it. Which meant that I didn't have any food until after 4:00 pm and I'd been up since 6 that morning! The scan results showed that the cyst was no longer present, and as the tests I had also came back clear the doctors were happy to discharge me, and I came home to a flurry of texts, answerphone and Facebook messages off my friends (see my "Highs" list). Luckily I've had no recurrences of the pain since then, but I was definitely shook up for the next couple of days with every little twinge leaving me in a state of panic!

• My eating habits - My eating habits last week were inconsistent to say the least. From not eating anything for over 18 hours on Tuesday night through to Wednesday to snacking madly on Thursday/Friday to stuffing myself with fatty/junk food on Saturday...I just couldn't get a balance! I know being unable to eat while I was in hospital wasn't my fault, but the rest of the week definitely was!

So there we have it! That was the week that was, and these were my highs and lows.

Foolish pride...

that's all that I have left... ("Walk on By" - Jack Sigler/David Brown)

This is kind of how I feel now, and definitely how I felt on Monday night. On Monday, I auditioned for this winter's pantomime at my drama group. Before I get into the story of what happened, just let me fill you in on a little background. Basically, I've been a member of the group for about a year and a half although for the first few months I could only attend Monday rehearsals as I had another commitment on Friday evenings. As a result I didn't audition for last year's pantomime, as I didn't feel that I would be able to commit fully to a principal role if I was offered one. I ended up as a member of the chorus, but then one night by a twist of fate, I was asked to stand in for a principal who wasn't there. This one night turned into one week, then another, then another... I was recieving compliments from others in the group for my portrayal of the character and I secretly felt that the role was becoming my own. There was even discussion between some people in the group as to whether the part should be offered to me, which I was flattered by, even though deep down I knew it wouldn't have been fair on the other actress. Then...said actress returned. Even though I knew it wasn't my role to lose, I was gutted. I returned to the chorus line, able to recite her every line with her and wishing it was me who was going to get a fancy costume instead of the crappy one I would be wearing!

Anyhow, ever since, whenever the topic of a panto has been brought up, others in the group have said things like "You'd better audition for the next one" or asked if I was going to audition, and responded very positively when I said yes. So by the time this year's panto came around, I was feeling pretty damn confident! And that's when things started to go wrong...

Admittedly, I played a part in my own downfall as I decided to audition for the part of the Prince (yeah, I know I'm a girl, but girls heavily outnumber guys at our group, so they were going for a principal boy kind of thing). The acting bit of my audition went ok (I think...), but then they asked me to sing. I should have expected this, as the Prince normally has at least one solo, but it threw me completely! I couldn't think of what to sing, and when I did, my first couple of lines were completely off. It did improve after that, but it still wasn't perfect by a loooooooong way! I left the audition room, but then was called back up after a couple of minutes where I was handed a script and asked if I could think "evil"...they wanted me to audition for the part of the evil queen. They let me take the script away for a few minutes, and I hastily prepared before I was called up for the third and final time. Now in my head I was fantastic...I strutted and I sneered, my every word dripping with venom and I walked away thinking it was in the bag...no one else who was auditioning could do a better job than me!

Then came the long wait...and despite my earlier confidence, my nerves started jangling in the pit of my stomach. Then 2 people were called in, and came out ecstatic...they'd got the parts of the Prince and the Queen (both the parts I'd auditioned for). I was pleased for them, although slightly disappointed for myself but I consoled myself with the fact that there were still some parts that hadn't been assigned. Then another person who was waiting was called...she came out with a part. Not the one she had auditioned for, but a part nevertheless. Then it was my turn, and when I heard the director say "Oh Julie", I knew it wasn't going to be good news. The rest of the words turned into some kind of blur but I did register that they thought I wasn't suitable for the part and could I be in the chorus. I said yes...still numb inside. I left the room, and walked straight out without even stopping to say bye. Then I got angry and upset, and spent the rest of the evening talking it over with my friend E, who also acts and understood what I was going through!

Now I'm calmer, although still upset. Maybe it's someone teaching me a lesson for being so proud and sure of myself, and if so it's worked! It's shook my confidence, as I think maybe I'm not as good an actress as I thought. I never thought I was Oscar worthy or anything, but I reckoned I was ok. As well as the praise I got last year, I also played the lead role in my college play when I was 17 so I assumed I wasn't completely useless! All of this just goes to show why I couldn't pursue acting as a career...rejection would kill me, as I'd take everything personally!

Anyway, roll on 7 o'clock! It's our first rehearsal, so I'll be plastering on the cheesy smile, cringing at the awful script and being determined to be the best damn chorus member they've EVER had!

(Oh yeah, and What's-in-my-wardrobe Wednesday will return next week! I do have pictures and everything, but thought that I should wait until the right day of the week lol!)

I'm still here!

I've been wondering what to write for a bit now, because there's been a lot of work related crapness in my life over the past few days and I really didn't want to vent it in a post on here. I know getting it out can be a good thing, but I've been so shocked, upset and angry at various points since Monday night that I didn't want to write something so negative. So I've waited until now (well, admittedly I was going to post earlier today but...!)

Luckily today there seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel. The person who holds the power to help me out with my situation has been in touch and I have a plan of action for the interim period while things are getting sorted!

And now because it's late and I'm getting a headache, I'm off to bed...but I'll be back soon. There's no getting rid of me that easily!