Musings from my dark side

Despite the fact that I sometimes wish that my blog had more readers, it's times like today when I'm glad that my friends don't read my blog or, in most cases, aren't even aware of its existence. Why? Because I'm about to make a confession that may hurt, upset, anger or disappoint them if I knew the truth. And the truth is this: I'm jealous. Not of all my friends or in every aspect of life; my own particular green eyed monster is a sneaky creature and is very picky about the times it chooses to emerge. So let me illustrate with an example...

The time: Saturday night. The place: A bustling bar in the centre of town. The players: 5 twentysomethings; 2 of whom are a couple and 3 who are single (including me and my friend E). Everything is going swimmingly. Drinks and conversation are flowing, the music is great and the atmosphere's just right until...a guy spots E and makes it quite clear he's interested. So everyone else starts laying the groundwork; people strategically swap places so that the two couldn't help but "accidentally" bump into each other, one of us goes over to the guy to tell him E's name and even I try to convince E to go over and talk to him (she doesn't believe in making the first move!) Then after 45 minutes of trying, just as the likelihood of the plans coming to fruition is looking increasingly remote, BAM...conversation ensues and kisses and mobile numbers are exchanged. Mission accomplished! So tell me this...why did I not feel happy for her? Why did I wish it hadn't happened? Why was I feeling increasingly down?

Now, I meant what I said to her...I genuinely wanted her to start talking to him. They were obviously interested in each other and it would have been a shame if the opportunity had been missed. And I see my friends in relationships, and other than the odd wistful "I wish I had my someone special", they don't have a negative effect. I watched my best friend J get married and it was one of the happiest occasions in my life, and I feel the same happiness whenever I see her and her husband together, as they're such a good match. So again I ask: why did this hurt me so?

I do have some theories, some which I feel are more relevant than others, but all containing at least a grain of truth.

• Was I annoyed that my friends weren't putting in a similar effort to set me up with someone? This is probably the weakest of my theories. Yes, I do get my paranoid moments where I think that my friends don't really like me that much, but to be fair, I hadn't seen anyone who I was interested in, and even if they had tried to set me up with someone, I probably wouldn't have been interested anyway as I'm notoriously picky!
• Was my lack of self esteem the cause of my jealousy? I think this definitely played a part. I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive, and so I think I may well have seen the fact that someone was interested in E as a reflection on my attractiveness. Men are often interested in her when we're on a night out, therefore she must be better looking than I am (at least in my head, if not in real life.)
• Am I scared of being alone? In a word, yes! E and I have both been single for a while, so I suppose I might be scared of being on my own if she started a relationship with someone new. She might not be my best friend, but we are very close and she's the friend I see most of, as J lives a couple of hours away. Now, I know full well she's not the type of person who'd drop her friends if a guy came along, but it didn't make any difference to my thoughts on Saturday night! I hate the thought of being the only single girl in my circle of friends. I suppose with this one I'm feeling a bit like House in S4, where he's coming to terms with Wilson having a new girlfriend, or even like Holmes in the new Sherlock Holmes film, when he seems to be less than happy at the thought of Watson getting married. But this is where the similarities end...unlike those two characters, I wouldn't stoop to sabotage to try and ensure that she remains single! I always give her honest advice and I want her to be happy...that's why I encouraged her to go and talk to the guy at the bar and also why we spent hours together beforehand picking out an outfit that she felt happy in, as she was having a fat day and feeling pretty down in the dumps. And I know she'd do the same for me. Which is why I'd be horrified if she knew I felt this way.

So, there we are. I appreciate that I may raise some strong opinions with this post...I fully expect to. If you think that I'm horrible then, as much as it would hurt me to hear, then so be it...I don't exactly like this side of me either but it's something that I've got to deal with somehow. And I thought that maybe writing it down might be the best place to start...

Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall (well, autumn)!

A few years ago, it was a strong possibility that I'd end up living in Florida. That might seem like a pretty random thing to say, so let me explain......
I was engaged to a guy who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with; a guy whose parents and younger siblings moved to Florida. Whilst it had always been their dream, the speed with which the move took place took everyone by surprise. They went to check property out in August and by November they were gone. They'd flown across the Pond to begin their new life and my (ex) fiance was struggling to hold his old one together. He missed them terribly and it gradually became a foregone conclusion that after we married, we would fly out and join them. Obviously, I was apprehensive...while I felt happy that he would eventually be reunited with his family, I was struggling to come to terms with the fact that I would be saying goodbye to mine. And as someone who'd never lived more than an hour and half away from them, and who'd never gone more than a fortnight without seeing them, it would be hard! Especially as my mum is confined to a wheelchair and travelling to the USA would have been extremely difficult for her. Add to that a range of other issues including the validity of the degree I was studying and the postgrad qualification I was planning to take in Britain before we left, my desire for our future children to be British as well as American and my phobia of thunderstorms and you can begin to see why the situation was not an ideal one.

However, I'm still here. Mine and my ex's relationship wasn't to be, and we parted. Florida wasn't the reason, but looking back, I don't honestly believe it helped matters. Whether we stayed here or moved there, there was always going to be massive compromise on one of our parts. A compromise that I think would have probably been too big to be workable. Anyway, the boy moved to Florida about 9 months after we split and as far as I know he's still there, building his new life. And I'm here in Manchester with mine.

So where's this post going?, you may ask. Bear with me, I'm getting there, believe me! I've already listed a few things that would have made me unhappy if I'd moved and recently I've become much more aware of another. The seasons. Whilst I love the idea of endless warm and sunny days, I've got a lasting relationship with the much more changeable climate and distinct seasons that I've known all my life. Like any relationship it has its ups and downs. I shiver if it's too cold and wilt in our rare too-hot days. I curse those wet and windy days where an umbrella's absolutely no use and groan in despair at some of our pitiful excuses for a summer. But then there are the ups...the ups that more than make up for the downs. I love the brilliant blue skies and dazzling winter sunshine, especially when teamed with that real nip in the air that we so often get on winter days. And I'm not sure how many other places get to experience those oh-so-indecisive spring days, with half the sky inviting blue and the other half stormy grey. Sun, rain, sun, rain...with always the chance of both and a beautiful rainbow as a bonus. And then there's our too few summer days. We don't get them as much, so my theory is we appreciate them all the more. The rare days when the sun is up at 4 and it doesn't disappear till after 10. Those days where there isn't a cloud in the sky. Those days where it's not too hot, but not too cold and the smell of barbecue smoke and the sound of birdsong, lawnmowers and sprinklers is in the air. But most of all I love autumn. Those increasingly crisp mornings and gloriously coloured leaves. And because my words really can't do it justice, here's just a few pictures that will hopefully show what I mean:

Trees in their full glory. This was taken from my front garden.

A gorgeous tree near my house. I love the russet colour.

Close up of a rainbow opposite my house. There was actually a much fainter rainbow next to it but you can't really see it here.

The original rainbow picture...this is the view from my front garden.

Another rainbow pic...I was messing about with the lighting here!

I love the contrast of the sky colours here...the grey at the bottom drifting into the blue at the top.

The sun shining through the trees on an autumn day...you can just see the carpet of leaves underneath it too.

So there it is...I've finally realised I'm a full-on Autumn addict! What's your favourite season/time of year?

Quarter-life Crisis! :-(

My name's Julie and I'm suffering from a quarter-life crisis. I've suspected it for a while, and I suppose the best thing to do is just get it down in writing so I can begin to work through it.

My first problem is the lack of a meaningful relationship in my life over the past few years. At the start of my 20s, I was engaged, living with my fiance in our own house and I thought my future was all mapped out. Now in my mid 20s, I'm a long term singleton and it feels like my dreams of marriage and babies by the time I'm 30 are getting further and further away. It also doesn't help that I feel less mature now than I did when I was in my late teens/early 20s! It's not that I don't love having the freedom to do what I want, whenever I want and the knowledge that I only have to look out for Number One, because this is a part of singledom I have really come to appreciate...but I just feel like I'm drifting somehow and that my life, although fun, and even fulfilling, at times, doesn't really have much meaning at the moment. I look at people I know (and bloggers!) who are settled and/or have children and I yearn to be in their shoes. I worry that my years on my own have made me too selfish and too picky and that there will never be anyone who meets up to the image of the man I have in my mind. Although I dislike being single, I have been this way for so long that it has become strangely comforting and I think that the man who makes me want to let go of my security blanket will have to be pretty special.

Secondly, and in a related-ish vein to the previous paragraph, is the fact that I am still living at home with my parents and siblings. I love my family dearly, although I often find myself snapping at them (especially my Mum) and being resentful when they ask me to do even minor things. I don't know if this is because I feel that I'm an adult and I should be able to live my own life without interference, but it's not right. I used to have a fantastic relationship with my Mum, and I don't want it to be ruined by my petty moaning. I know I should be grateful for the million and one things my Mum and Dad do for me...washing, ironing, cooking my meals, acting as my taxi service etc , etc, especially as I disliked housework when I lived in my own place, but I can honestly say that I normally forget how lucky I am. Due to my job situation (which will be explained in the next paragraph), I am unable to even consider moving out of home yet and this also frustrates me. I think that even if I had the slightest possibility of being able to move out in the next few years, I would feel like my life was moving in the right direction.

Third, and finally, is my job situation. Since about the age of 14, all I ever wanted to be was a primary school teacher. To be on the safe side however, I did a non teaching degree and studied for a BA in Language, Literacy and Communication, which I then followed up with post grad primary teacher training. The year I spent doing my teacher training was honestly one of the hardest, but most fulfilling, years of my life and I went through it really looking forward to the next stage in my career. Then the problems started. Despite the fact that the country is apparently crying out for teachers, it isn't crying out for female primary teachers in the North West! I qualified over 2 years ago and still haven't had a job that has lasted longer than a term and a half. My time has been spent doing a mix of day-to-day and pre-booked supply (substitute) teaching and a maternity cover (the term and a half) where I was employed by the local authority. There are some things I love about supply...the fact I don't have to stay behind for parents' evenings or staff meetings, the opportunity to go to new schools, meet new people and try new things, no evenings or weekends spent planning and preparing resources, having the freedom to say no to work if I feel ill, don't like the school/age group or simply just can't be bothered! But this isn't why I went into teaching. I entered the profession so I could become an excellent teacher, so I could build a relationship with a group of children and hopefully be able to make a difference to them, maybe even give them something that would stay with them for the rest of their lives. Supply teaching allows me none of this, and in addition, I never know how much work I am going to get over a given period of time, meaning it would be impossible for me to get a mortgage as I would be unable to say how much money I would have left at the end of it. I often walk away from classrooms feeling like I am a bad teacher and my continued job search only serves to reinforce this suspicion, leaving me demotivated and demoralised. Since I qualified, there have been two further classes of NQTs entering the job market, so there is even more competition for the few jobs that are out there. At the moment, I am not in a position to relocate to an area where there are more vacancies, so I guess it's almost a vicious circle. Phew...and breathe!

Anyway, enough of the ranting! I suppose people reading this may see me as a spoilt and self indulgent 20something with no real problems and they may well be right. But they're real enough to me, even though they are probably mere inconveniences in the grand scheme of things, and so I need to do something about them. So what am I doing? Well, firstly, I've written this down. It's nice to know I can vent in (relative) anonymity and it has helped to clear my head, even if I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Secondly, I am making changes in my life, even if they are quite minor. I have joined a dating website. I'm not sure if I'm in the mood for dating right now, but it's nice to know the possibility is there. I'm taking driving lessons, and hope to pass my test by the end of the year. Not only will this give me some of the independence I crave,but it will also mean I can cast my net a little wider when job hunting as I'll be able to get to so many more places without having to rely on public transport. I'm taking opportunities to go on free professional development courses. These will obviously be personally beneficial to me, but also will hopefully also enhance my CV/application forms and give them a bit of an edge. Finally, I think I should start making a list of things I'm thankful for...which will make these problems seem less important. I'll kick off with 5 for now:

1. My fantastic family and friends - love you all!
2. My good health (even if I do have a cold at the moment)
3. My fabulous new netbook...my optimism on Monday was well founded!
4. My intelligence...I'm not being bigheaded but my brain has opened quite a few doors for me.
5. Blogging...I'm really enjoying writing, and am especially happy today as I've been approved as a member of 20something bloggers!

And that's finally it for now...definitely the longest post I've ever written, and probably the most heartfelt too!