Finding a balance...

between reading and writing, speaking and listening. This is something I'm really struggling with at the mo. As any of my readers will know, I've set myself a goal to blog every day during the month of August, partially because I'm keen to grow my blog and wanted to see if blogging daily would have any impact on my number of followers, but mainly because I was sick of how infrequent my posts were becoming, particularly because there were lots of things that I intended to blog about that were just getting left by the wayside. But now I'm having the opposite problem...I don't have enough things to blog about. And not only that, I'm rushing posts and feeling like I'm short changing both myself, and my readers, in the process. I know I wouldn't want to read a series of posts saying "Sorry, I've got no time to do a proper post today, I'm off out now"!! And not only that, I've found it's been ages since I've actually sat down and read and commented on any of the blogs I follow...in my desire to be a better blogger, I've lost touch with one of the major parts of it. The reading and listening. The time spent finding out what my blog friends (because I do consider many bloggers I follow to be friends) are thinking and feeling. The time spent sharing their highs and their lows. The few minutes it takes to leave a supportive comment. If I lose that, I'll be far worse for it.

So from now on, I'm striving to get my balance back. I'm not going to give up blogging every day...I've set myself a goal and as far as I'm concerned, there's no going back! But I'll be trying to manage my time a little better...to find moments to read, as well as write. To contribute to the blogs of others, instead of being so focused on my own. I'm part of a big blogging community, now's the time to act like it!!

Till next time...

Enough is enough!!

Ok, I've had just about enough. Just about enough of doing nothing, that is!! I've been off work since last Friday, and I've spent the majority of my time since then just sitting or pottering around, with most days just melting seamlessly into each other because they're all the same!! Now to be fair, I've spent the last few of them trying to shake off a cold which hasn't exactly left me feeling 100%, but still my laziness and lack of motivation does leave a lot to be desired!! Should I watch a DVD? No, I can't be bothered. Should I do some blogging? No, I can't be bothered. Should I do anything other than sitting on my bottom for the entire day?? No, because I really can't be bothered. And it's stupid. Stupid for 2 main reasons. One, when I eventually do these things, I really enjoy them...blogging, for example, or at least feel pleased that I've met a goal...e.g. updating my CV and registering my interest in working at the BBC( finally completed today...woohoo!!). And secondly, if I never do anything, I'm never going to get anywhere with my life. My mind and body and soul will just stagnate. I'll never find the job that suits me down to the ground. I'll never find new favourite films and books and TV series that I can lose myself in over and over and over again. I'll never discover places and things and people that could inspire me more than anything. There'll never be a way to find that person that I actually want spend to my life with, the one with whom my baggage will not be an issue, because my love for him will outweigh my nostalgia for the past and the wishes of that one treacherous corner of my heart for the man I loved at 18 to be the one. It seems like a pretty hefty price to pay simply because I couldn't be bothered!! So from now on, I'm going to seize each day, and with August beginning tomorrow it's perfect timing. Because I've got a whole month to use. A whole month to get out and do things, go places, meet new people and discover new opportunities. And alongside this I'm going to have some mini goals for the month, which I'm going to share in tomorrow's post. And tomorrow's post is going to be the first of many because one of my goals is going to be to blog every day in August because if I'm going to be keeping busy, I'll have much more to blog about,right?! But that's all you're getting for now...just a taster as I begin my journey to creating the me, and the life, I want.

Musings from my dark side

Despite the fact that I sometimes wish that my blog had more readers, it's times like today when I'm glad that my friends don't read my blog or, in most cases, aren't even aware of its existence. Why? Because I'm about to make a confession that may hurt, upset, anger or disappoint them if I knew the truth. And the truth is this: I'm jealous. Not of all my friends or in every aspect of life; my own particular green eyed monster is a sneaky creature and is very picky about the times it chooses to emerge. So let me illustrate with an example...

The time: Saturday night. The place: A bustling bar in the centre of town. The players: 5 twentysomethings; 2 of whom are a couple and 3 who are single (including me and my friend E). Everything is going swimmingly. Drinks and conversation are flowing, the music is great and the atmosphere's just right until...a guy spots E and makes it quite clear he's interested. So everyone else starts laying the groundwork; people strategically swap places so that the two couldn't help but "accidentally" bump into each other, one of us goes over to the guy to tell him E's name and even I try to convince E to go over and talk to him (she doesn't believe in making the first move!) Then after 45 minutes of trying, just as the likelihood of the plans coming to fruition is looking increasingly remote, BAM...conversation ensues and kisses and mobile numbers are exchanged. Mission accomplished! So tell me this...why did I not feel happy for her? Why did I wish it hadn't happened? Why was I feeling increasingly down?

Now, I meant what I said to her...I genuinely wanted her to start talking to him. They were obviously interested in each other and it would have been a shame if the opportunity had been missed. And I see my friends in relationships, and other than the odd wistful "I wish I had my someone special", they don't have a negative effect. I watched my best friend J get married and it was one of the happiest occasions in my life, and I feel the same happiness whenever I see her and her husband together, as they're such a good match. So again I ask: why did this hurt me so?

I do have some theories, some which I feel are more relevant than others, but all containing at least a grain of truth.

• Was I annoyed that my friends weren't putting in a similar effort to set me up with someone? This is probably the weakest of my theories. Yes, I do get my paranoid moments where I think that my friends don't really like me that much, but to be fair, I hadn't seen anyone who I was interested in, and even if they had tried to set me up with someone, I probably wouldn't have been interested anyway as I'm notoriously picky!
• Was my lack of self esteem the cause of my jealousy? I think this definitely played a part. I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive, and so I think I may well have seen the fact that someone was interested in E as a reflection on my attractiveness. Men are often interested in her when we're on a night out, therefore she must be better looking than I am (at least in my head, if not in real life.)
• Am I scared of being alone? In a word, yes! E and I have both been single for a while, so I suppose I might be scared of being on my own if she started a relationship with someone new. She might not be my best friend, but we are very close and she's the friend I see most of, as J lives a couple of hours away. Now, I know full well she's not the type of person who'd drop her friends if a guy came along, but it didn't make any difference to my thoughts on Saturday night! I hate the thought of being the only single girl in my circle of friends. I suppose with this one I'm feeling a bit like House in S4, where he's coming to terms with Wilson having a new girlfriend, or even like Holmes in the new Sherlock Holmes film, when he seems to be less than happy at the thought of Watson getting married. But this is where the similarities end...unlike those two characters, I wouldn't stoop to sabotage to try and ensure that she remains single! I always give her honest advice and I want her to be happy...that's why I encouraged her to go and talk to the guy at the bar and also why we spent hours together beforehand picking out an outfit that she felt happy in, as she was having a fat day and feeling pretty down in the dumps. And I know she'd do the same for me. Which is why I'd be horrified if she knew I felt this way.

So, there we are. I appreciate that I may raise some strong opinions with this post...I fully expect to. If you think that I'm horrible then, as much as it would hurt me to hear, then so be it...I don't exactly like this side of me either but it's something that I've got to deal with somehow. And I thought that maybe writing it down might be the best place to start...

Things I'm loving today...

Well, I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself today, so because I know it's not healthy to wallow in self pity for too long (believe me, I've tried), I've decided to give myself a kick up the backside by making a list of the things I'm loving today. So, drumroll please because, in no particular order, we have:

• The beautiful weather...it's a lovely sunny day today and apparently it even feels quite mild outside! Maybe my prayers from Sunday have been answered!


• The fact I don't start work until 2 pm today and will be done by 6...I know it means that I won't get paid as much, but there is just something so decadent about swanning into work after lunch and and working less than half a day!


• This song:

I went to the first rehearsal for my drama group's new show last night and we started going through a few of the songs. Moon River was one of them. Whilst I've been aware of the song before now, I never realised how beautiful it was until last night. Now I absolutely love it...I've been singing it all day and I get a feeling that my family might be sick of hearing it long before the show kicks off in July!

• The fact that it's been really easy to meet one of my goals:
In Sunday's post, I was bemoaning the fact that most of my goals weren't really happening for me, including the one to put some money in my ISA each month. But today, I took my own advice and set up a standing order which will transfer some money from my current account every month. It was really quick and easy to set up, and is also a perfect solution for me, as now I don't have to physically get to my bank to pay money in! RESULT!

And whadd'ya know? I'm actually feeling a little cheerier already! Maybe I should get back to doing these lists more often...!

Pointless nostalgic?

Over the last couple of weeks, I seem to have been spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, both individually and with friends. I've been thinking about the past, talking about it, looking up websites I used to frequent and almost obsessively searching the Internet for products and places that were well loved but have long since vanished! And the more I reminisce, the more things I find to be nostalgic about. Here's just some of them:
I'm nostalgic for:

• the excitement I felt when I was going out with my first real boyfriend and the openness of my heart back then. I wasn't the bitter cynic I am now; I was fuelled by happiness and and optimism about what the future would hold.
• the hours I used to spend on the Internet in my college lunchtimes: taking quizzes on emode, having my very own animals on Neopets and creating personalised email addresses on another.com. Although I suppose the dropdeadgorgeous.co.uk domani wouldn't go down very well on CVs and application forms nowadays!
• listening to my music on a personal CD player or even a Walkman!
• my favourite chocolate orange lip balm from Boots...I've even tried to ebay this but can't find it anywhere!
• the way the Trafford Centre used to be...I used to be able to watch cheap movies in the morning, grab tuna mayo baguettes from my favourite sandwich bar, have a fantastic night out and soak up the atmosphere and individuality of the "Festival Village" market. Whilst I still love the place, the days of being able to do any of those things are long gone! :-(
• the time when my idea of dressing up for a night out was black trousers and a sparkly top...oh how times (and fashions!) have changed! That said, I'm still a magpie...I love glittery things!
• the thrill I got when being served alcohol underage (such a rebel lol!)
• being able to see my best friend J every week, instead of just a few times a year.
• a time when life was simpler, and seemed more certain... at 17 I thought I knew which direction my life would go in, now I don't have a clue!

However, I know I can't look back forever. As Michael Cibenko so neatly put it: "One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn round to find the future has run out on us." And I know that's true. I may look back fondly to my times in college, but there are many things that I am grateful for now and things that I have to look forward to in the future. My family and friends and the enjoyment I get from spending time with them, my future career and relationships, plans for study and travel and the hope that eventually I'll fall in love, marry and have children...it would be a crime if I let the past obscure the good that is now, and that is to come. That doesn't mean I'll stop the nostalgia, after all it's always good to reminisce, but I think I'll try and bring it down a notch from now on. After all, you never know what I could miss out on just because I wasn't looking in the the right direction!

Circles

Apologies in advance...this isn't going to be the cheeriest post, my positivity seems to have deserted me at the moment :-(

Anyway, yesterday I went for an interview. Unlike my previous interview that I posted about a couple of weeks ago, not many people knew about this one. Partly because I didn't want to get my expectations up, and also partly because the time scale was so short...I received an answerphone message and email on Monday afternoon, inviting me for interview and to teach a 30 minute lesson on Wednesday morning! So yesterday, I got suited and booted and went along to the school. I taught my lesson which I felt went ok, but not brilliantly and then had my interview, which included a couple of tricky questions, but nothing which left me completely lost! With the interview over, the head, and assistant head thanked me for coming and told me I'd find out their decision later that day.

And about four hours later the phone rang. I'd not been waiting by it all day (I'd done some Christmas shopping to kill time and had only recently returned home) but I was still eager to take the call. It was the headteacher, and she informed me that I...hadn't got the job. She offered feedback; said my lesson was good and gave me pointers on a couple of areas for improvement (things that I normally actually do when I teach, but seemed to have got lost in my nerves) and asked if they could keep my details on file. So far, so positive. But the thing that really got to me was the reason I didn't get the job...they went for a "more experienced" candidate. Now, I know I was trying to be positive about this situation a couple of weeks ago, so if you want to call me a hypocrite for moaning about it now, I won't mind...you'd be well within your rights to do so. But anyway, getting back on track, the reason I'm so annoyed is because there's nothing I can do about my lack of experience unless someone gives me a job! It's turning into a vicious circle: I don't have enough experience so I miss out on jobs, but because I can't get a job I can't get the experience I so desperately need! As strange as it sounds, I'd much rather someone tell me I wasn't a good enough candidate to get the job. There's 1001 ways I can become a better teacher: attending courses, reading books and official publications and applying their insights to my work, trying new things when I'm on supply, watching more experienced teachers and taking advice from them etc etc. But there's only one way I can gain more experience of being a full time class teacher, and that's by getting a job as one!

Suppose I've just got to keep on looking; as for every door that I knock on and get turned away, I must be getting closer to the one that will let me in. So hopefully you'll indulge me and allow me my little moan, promise I'll be more cheery soon! :-)

Funny how a few words...

can make all the difference. Yesterday, I was feeling down. I had the end-of-summer blues (not that you'd know we'd really had a summer from lots of the weather lately!) , I was unhappy about my work situation and was bothered by some jealousy and insecurity issues that I suffer with. I was all ready to write a blog post about it when for some reason, I changed my mind and instead searched for positive and inspirational quotes on the net. And that's when I came across this little gem:



"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." (George Bernard Shaw)



And that was when it hit me. I can be whoever I want to be - it's my choice. I can choose to get depressed about my work situation or I can keep on applying for jobs and keeping up with my professional development with a positive attitude, knowing that the right job will come along. I can choose to let my feelings of insecurity in my friendships get the better of me, or I can remind myself that my friends have chosen to be my friends for valid reasons, and be the positive and happy person that hasn't made an appearance so much lately. I can choose to see the autumn, and the new school year it brings with it, as a stressful and uncertain time, or I can choose to see it as a clean slate, a fresh start where I can make the most of opportunities that come my way. I can sit and wallow about the things I don't have or I can be thankful for the things that I do.



It's my life, my choice, my chance to be the girl I want to be and I'm determined not to let it pass me by this time!